Behind the labels

for those of you who care..

2004-07-17T17:51:37Z

I made a new journal.. just so i can get away from all this stupid crap and all that past year ive had in this one.. so if you are interested.. its
Brighteyes77...

when sorry just doesnt cut it..

2004-07-17T17:42:24Z

life is so strange. We do things that we hate and then regret them forever.. But I dont want to live that way. I dont exactly like the things i have done in my past.. even in the past week.. but there is no way to take it back and i refuse to be upset about it.. because life is far too short. I want to keep making stupid decisions and keep being young, until i am forced to grow up.. because i learn from most of the things i do.. maybe it takes me two times around the same route, but i learn eventually. Although i hate it now, and i wish that it would have been different, i cant take back the fact that i hung out with a certain boy on a certain night when i was feeling really low. And i cant take back that he took advantage of my vunerability.. and i cant take back that i kissed him back when he kissed me.. but the only thing i really wish i could take back.. was how i made a certain girl feel. A certain girl who, although doubts my sencerity and my loyalty, holds a huge part of my heart... a girl who means a lot to me. I make mistakes.. but i wouldnt take them back for the world.. i just wish that i could take back how she feels.

"certain girl"
i owe you an apology, but i doubt that it will mean a thing to you. Not only for making the same mistake TWICE, but for all the other stupid shit i have done to you in the past 4 years of my life. I was an imature kid.. and thats not an excuse.. its just a fact. We have always had a pretty screwed up relationship, and i take full responsibility for it. You have done nothing but try to live and be happy.. and somehow , i always find a way to bring you down. You are an amazing girl, with an amazing personality.. and so freaking much to offer the world! You are going to be an incredible mother.. and you are going to do something really great with your life.. whether it has changed from what you thought you would do or not.. it will be really great still. You really do mean a lot to me, and if anyone ever understood my insanity for a moment, it was you. I was so mixed up and so screwed up for so long, but u still tried to make it better for me.. you tried to help. and i just fucked you over. I am sorry for all of this.. all that i have ever done to make you sad, or mad, or hate.. I want only the best for you and your baby.. and i really hope that someday.. you will be able to forgive me for EVERYTHING i have done.. and maybe we can just try that whole, being friends thing, again. I wont say that it was all will's fault, because i could have made him stop.. but i didnt. and that is what i want to say sorry for most.. for it being my fault. i love you.. unconditionaly, and i hope that you can see through my stupid actions and know that someday.

- a stupid girl

i love my kitty

2004-07-14T16:48:29Z

well.. its tomorow, and i have been sitting here. lol i should do something exciting, but i still dont want to talk to sarah.. and i am kind of tired from all the late nights. Only a 2 weeks until i go to florida.. and im excited! I am gonna ride horses and stuff.. so thats exciting. What else? i dont know, i was thinkin bout m this morning and i think that maybe someday i would like to love someone like him. hes a good guy. Well, i am gonna go write some stuff... i havent yet today cause my kitty wants to love me up so much and i hate to wake her. EH, my stomach hurts because i ate a box of cinnamon toast crunch today.. in a huge mixing bowl.. i dont know why i did it.. i wasnt even hungry. ugh.
ill talk to u later i suppose
me

its all for fun

2004-07-14T04:38:15Z

well.. another day, another boy. And somehow, in the moment, each one seems "different", or like they will mean something more, but like will told me, its all for fun. I am slowly but surely becoming ok with that... i am ok with how everything is, because life is short and wonderful. I want to do and accomplish as much as possible in the next year, because it will be my last year in high school, my last year to be truly "young".. so here is to making the most of it. Speaking of making the most of the moment, i really am glad that i went over to m's house today. He is more human than i remembered, and i like it...and i like that he's a big kid, because he makes it ok for me to be one, and i absolutely love him for that. I hope that things dont turn out like always, and i hope that we can keep kissing.. because he has the best bottom lip i have ever had the privilage to kiss, in my 17 years of life. I like how it is this summer, and i like feeling beautiful..and i like that so many boys have wanted to kiss me.. and i dont care what anyone thinks about how i am handling things now a days.. because i love it. I love life and boys and highschool and summer vacation and parks at night and my jeep and the boys against my jeep and my new kitten and being frustrated and frustrating people..and not having any ties and not being a tie and random acts of passion and crushes and everything.. i love being young... and when i have kids, i hope they love it too..
well.. my little shnooty is trying to sleep and i keep waking her, so im gonna go.
me

random thoughts, lines.. as always.

2004-05-06T22:49:21Z

recycled thoughts.. processed souls. sold for pennies on department store shelves.
mirror images reflected in the limosene windows..everything you've ever wanted to be.
and we are all marching to the same beat.. everyone, with the same tin foil tounge..
gritting their teeth with every word.. a society, mass produced to love the taste. the sound,
of guns, lead.. and here we are, six feet past any way to escape.

hm.. i dont know why i wrote that, i was just thinkin and i didnt have anything else to write. i sure hope that someone comes across these stupid entries and pretends to care. it would be great.

as always.
me

back

2004-05-06T22:47:46Z

see, i dont even know why i bother writing in here.. probably in the hopes that all the people that i think about, but never talk to, will read it and see how i really feel.. i dont know, its pretty stupid. pretty petty. Im so sick of the word petty.. and cliche'... everything can be described as one or the other... its like an easy way out,when you want to sound like you know something... i dont like when people try to sound smart, i dont even bother wasting my good thoughts on people.. i write em all down, and i act like a complete moron when im around people.. mostly so they wont steal that too. I've been robbed of everything.. no lie. My jewlery, clothes, my style and every idea i have had for anything good.. EVER. so im not gonna say anything about what i feel or think on anything.. i havent in the past four months. maybe to ms. suppa.. in poetry. but i dont even know if she understands it. i dont know.. i have this weird need for her to find me amazing. shes the only person, who actually can see that there may be more to me then.. i dont know, failure. everyone else has given up, but she has hope for me, always.. i really admire her and look up to her, and even tho im afraid to talk to her a lot.. i really like to. shes got such awesome ideas on a lot of issues.... im bored now. simultaneously, with that thought, i got utterly bored.. i dont even know what i could possibly do now. Clean my room, maybe, probably not tho.. or i could study for my chem test, that i am most likely going to fail anyway.. im failing that class again. i am going to have to take another year of science.. ugh. its not fun

its been a thousand life times.

2004-05-06T22:29:57Z

wow. the last time i wrote in here, i was being a total bitch to joelle and writing things i thought could hurt her, i was hoping would hurt her.. and now i wish i could take back everything that has happened in the past 4 months. 4 months, holy crap. I am all alone, and i like it, i think. I feel like i should be alone, i mean, its just, its right, cause im not. I started caring again, like a month ago.. wearing makeup, the whole lot, but im back to the same old me again.. i cant escape her... even if i try. but people just arent worth it around here.. i dont care that they dont like me cause i'm hairy, or cause i get my feelings out, by writing and reading books. i dont care at all.. cause i cant think of anyone here that i would want to spend my life with.. so whats the point in a stupid senseless, highschool relationship, u know? but i do wish that i could be friends with joelle.. just because, i dont know, i love her. and im not lying either. I always tell her that, but she never believes me, either that or she doesnt care.. I wish that we were both weird and lesbians, so that we could live together and sleep together (minus the sex) and we could cuddle and travel, and i could help her with her baby.. I love her so much, i really do. but im a moron, and she hates me or, doesnt think i'm worth the hassle or something. I dont know, i do wish that tho. im not pregnant, but i am fat... fatter then her, and shes already like 3 1/2 months. im on some crazy diet with my mom, cause she thinks im gaining weight too.. and it sucks. i dont like it at all.. my sister needs the phone now tho. so ill be back momentarily.

ahahha joelle. wut a bitch

2004-01-08T22:34:15Z

haha.. u make me laugh joelle. u really do. u ARE a fucking moron if u ever thought i wanted to be ANYTHING like u.. u have got nothing in u that makes me jelous..
if you think u are an induvidual.. then ur fuckin blind.. wut makes u an individual?? the clothes that you buy at "PAC SUN" that tell u that ur an individual or cool.. or is it the ten pounds of makeup u need to wear to feel good about urself?? maybe its the amount of time u spend in the shower or doin ur hair?? which is it?? I am more of an individual then you will ever become.. i dont give a fuck wut u think or anyone else thinks.. and i dont fuckin need to go crying to strangers about people they dont even fuckin know.. ur a sad human being. u really are. If the thought of me wanting to be like u ever crossed ur mind.. u must be so god damn blind... i dont need u to tell me im worth something to feel like i am. and im so sorry u ever thought ur opinion mattered to me.. it means nothing.. really.. i dont need anyone as my "cruch" to feel ok.. unlike u with will.. just the thought of the things u said to that girl make me laugh uncontrollably.. ha ha ha... i cant believe u ever thought i would want to be like u, or i was jelous of u.. wut do i have to be jelous of?? tell me.. id really like to hear it ya know.. For u to even think that i need u to feel like i am worth somethign makes me physically sick to my stomach.. i am worth more then u could EVER give me.. EVER.. i am worth so much more then ANYONE could ever give me.. and thats why i dont need fucked up people telling me im worth something to feel like i really am. i KNOW i am.. i really do. i am real. unlike everyone else here.. this place is crawling with hypocrits.. with pathetic assholes who think they are something that they arent.. or try to be somethign they arent. so everyone else with think they're tough or "an individual.. its so fucking sad that u and all them think u can just buy that or pretend that.. fuck u and all them.. ha!! and im not jelous will wants to fuck u.. haha believe me, im not jelous. i chose not to be with him.. u seem to forget that. and he liked me, and still wanted to be with me, and u forget that too.. so wut makes u think u being.. well ur not with him.. u FUCKING him.. would make me jelous?? haha it makes me sick actually, but wut does it matter?? i dont need to explain anything to u. i dont owe u a damn thing.. and u know, i am glad i dont need a fuckin online journal to get out the feelings i have.. i am glad i know how to talk to actual people... or choose not to.. ur sad.. u should keep seeing that shrink. cause i seriously think uve got a lot u need to deal with... in ur head. I am done with that faggot journal.. its so stupid how u just use it to say wut u really want to, to me, and to will. and who ever.. try talkin sometime and maybe u wouldnt be so fucked in ur head. I am a posotive person, and i dont need someone like u to tell me i am.. i dont need anything from u, nor have i ever. i chose to be ur friend cause i thought u would be fun to hang out with.. thats all, and u just cause so much fucking drama. i dont think its worth it.. wut a waste, right?? and really, if u were so sick of me, or wished so bad that u woudlnt have become friends with me again, u shoulda been strong enough to tell me to my fuckin face. ur sad. and weak. and thats all i gotta say. i dont fucking care if this hurts ur feelings.. u only ever worry about ur own anyway.. u deserve wutever u get in life.. and yea. i do too, but at least i know the truth.. and i dont choose to blindfold myself....reality is a bitch. and when it hits u and ur little princess, like it's gonna... u will wish u were never born. smarten up joelle. really.. u know shit about the world. o. and dont ever fuckin question my beliefs or ideas again. u kno nothing about being real.. so dont fucking pretend u are. I am all i want to be.. theres nothing that anyone could ever do or say to change it.. especially not someone as weak as u.... so think, and write what u want, cause i know ull go whine about it in ur journal... but u've got nothing on me... not a FUCKING thing.

joelle..

2004-01-07T20:39:10Z

yea. so i guess me and joelle got into an argument last nite.. and she posted it all in her journal. u know,its great. the way she does that.. it seriously seems like she is the one who is always depressed or wanting to die.. or hating everyone.. except will of course, cause somehow, he is jesus christ.. u know. i hate how it is... i wish she would just not ask my opinion.. n its bullshit that she says when she really needs me that i get pissed.. ha. yea, im sure i do. even tho i definately dont care who shes fucking or loving or wutever.. but as a friend.. i am supose to try and save her from making bad decisions.. like she is supose to guide me away from them.. but everytime i say something she gets all offended.. because she thinks will can do no wrong. but u know i dont give a fuck. she is goin down the same road he is.... shes not goin to school just as much as he doesnt.. maybe thats supose to make him like her more. i dont know, and really i dont care.. i have my ideas too ya know. of wut i want my future to be.. and maybe i thought i would be friends with her after high school, but fuck that, she doesnt see it. cause theres something so horrid about me or something.. like me caring about her is such a horrible thing. she doesnt see it that way tho.. she sees it as me being a bitch, so ha. who sees all negative now? i am suposidly a negative person.. cause i only see bad things about people. but i most definately see the good.. obviously.. i see the good in her, or else i wouldnt waste my time... i care about her and i care about a few other people.. select few.. because i see the good in them.. and the BAD... but i just overlook it, cause i care. thats how it is.. The people that i see mostly bad about... are the people who arent worth overlooking.. but she doesnt understand that.
will told me the same things he tells her.. he told me he loved me, and we talked about the future. and about being together forever, and gettin a place and traveling.. but " i dont know anything" really... i dont know how he is, or how it can be with him.. nope i dont. but wutever.. i overlook the bad in people who are mostly good.. he isnt mostly good, and when she sees it, im gonna be here for her, but u know, i dont think i can compete with him now, nor would i like to. i dont need friends who want me to fight over them... ive had that in the past, and it never works. so fuck it. i dont care really.. ill be here whenever shes ready to be logical and not ask me for my opinion when she doesnt wanna hear it.. i will be, and ill be here for her whenever she needs anything.. cause no matter how much we disagree on will.. or anything, i still love her, and i care about her. shes my best friend. and i dont think that goes away.. it never did before...
thats all i need to say now. i hope that she had a more posotive day today, then wut she did yesterday.. i dont like her to be sad. it makes my heart hurt, cause i dont know how to help, or wut to say. im sorry for that.. i really am.. and none of this is meant to be mean, or sarcastic... its just all wut i feel.. plain and simple..

behindsadeyes @ 2004-01-05T21:33:00

2004-01-06T03:08:46Z

i just feel so detached from everything and everyone.. i need someone who already knows me, to be around.. i dont have the energy to get to know anyone else.. and i dont have the strength to let anyone know me.. i hate being alone and its all i am.. its like over the summer.. only everyone else got better. and i never did. they found love and happiness.. and i found drugs. but its wearing off and im sober now.. its not a good thing to be sober after so long, it makes me feel things i dont wanna feel.. im just so numb and confuse in wut i want and where i want to be.. all i know is its not this and not here.. i wanna be in some far away place where its always summer and u never have to wear shoes.. if heaven exists, thats it, i think. The feeling of summer on ur bare feet.. yea.. im waiting for someone to say somethign good.. but no one ever does. something to take my mind off everything im thinking, but they dont. i expect too much from people.. and then im always let down.. i can admit that.. but lately i havent expected much, just for people to be nice to me and treat me like im normal.. i just wanna not be so weird anymore.. tif and her fag bf really made me feel like shit on xmas.. and i cant stop thinkin about it.. they both were like tellin me how i make every situation akward and dustin said it didnt matter wut i was doing or sayin, i could find a way to make it weird.. and how they just think im so crazy.. but they both said it, so its like a mutual thought that they had.. but then again, every thought is mutual with them.. they are the same person.. god, the son, and the holy fucking spirit.
i do, and i know that, but i try not to.. its just, i am so fuckin nervous around people.. so outta my element. i like to be just me and a friend without the rest of the world.. the only problem is, i need a friend. i know joelle and keesh are my friends. but i question everything and so i am alone. i dont even know wut joelle really thinks and i know she says she loves me and we're friends. but i think she has will and she really doesnt need me anymore.. they are mended,and so im just in the way... and with keesha, im just here when she needs to talk, cause she knows i will listen and not say anything. its ok, i wanna help and all, but i really wish i could just talk to someone... for like hours and hours and just say wut i feel about everything. i have so much i keep inside. and i just wish i could say it.
the world is full of hypocrits.. we're all hyprocrits whether we like to admit it or not.. i hate people more then the next person, but i am more then ready to admit we've all got our faults.. u and me and everyone else.. it sucks, yea, but we are all human and we just gotta understand that we all do shitty things to eachother. idk.. man, im goin to a punk show saturday nite, im pretty stoked.. i love shows. i love punks.. i love music! i wish that i could be in some awesome band, but i dont have any talents.. not in music.. or anything really.. i havent found something im good at. im not too worried about it tho.. im good at eating. ha. and making bongs.. so maybe thats my talent. i really need to quit that, but bein here, back in bum fuck egypt.. its the only thing to do or think about.. so its hard for me. im weak with shit like this. its sad. o well. im goin to bed, im tired.. school tomorw.. woot woot.. all the work that ive missed.. yes! i cant wait.

behindsadeyes @ 2004-01-03T20:01:00

2004-01-04T01:02:54Z

im tired of waiting around for my fuckin mom to want to be with me. shes so selfish, and its annoying. and im also annoyed at joelle.. shes always acting soo smug and blah blah blah when i try to help.. fuck everyone. i dont care

mmm... the beach

2004-01-03T22:33:34Z

well. today was my last day at the beach,and i used my new rash gaurd. i like it alot. i spent like the whole time in the water and im gettin a lot better at catchin waves an thats got me pretty stoked. but yea.. i was thinkin while i was layin on my board out there.. bout how i wish it could be that way always... like, just me. i dont like bein with people at all.. somtimes.. but i mean. i dont like being judged and i dont like drama or too many emotions.. and thats all people bring. i liked how i felt out there.. and im ready for it to be summer, so i can feel that way always.. i wish i had some friends that are surfers.. my chem teacher is.. but hes too old to hang out with.
joelle thinks that i care so much that she fucked will.. but i dont. i dont care about anything anymore.. cause i do try to help and i tell her wut she needs to do, and bein i went thru it all, i KNOW wut she needs to do.. and then she gets offended and is all like.."oo i know, but i needa do it this way..blah blah blah." but that pisses me off.. cause whenever she tries to give me advice and i dont wanna do it that way, she gets mad at me.. like its a direct hit against her or something. i dont know.. so much drama. i wish we could just have the good stuff.. i wish will would die or dissapear, cause he starts so much trouble and brings so much shit to her life.. whether she wants to admit that or not. and she wont admit that he is an asshole and that he is a bad person.. cause she says she sees the good in him or something.. but thats shit, cause will doesnt show any good.. unless ur bein all oo gooshy with him. and thats all fake anyway. she can think wut she wants tho, i dont care and maybe its better that way. i dont know. im not mad at her tho. so i hope she knows that. she can do wutever, and fuck whoever she wants.. whenever.. and i dont care about it at all.. its her life she is messin with. not mine. even tho it does crush me, cause shes my best friend, obviously she doesnt give a flyin fuck about my feelings.. cause she does it anyway. so maybe i shouldnt care so damn much about people who dont care about me.. simple enough. i guess ill talk to u later joelle.. so u can tell me wutever it is u need to.. or wutever.
love u
steph

joelle and will...

2004-01-03T15:54:49Z

well... joelle and will had sex again last nite....annnnnnnd she got high. even tho we said we were gonna quit together. but o well. i dont care anymore. i was up all nite cryin cause i watched virgin suicides and the girl in it went thru the same thing me and dustin did... but only a little different... but she kept having to have sex with guys to feel ok.. and eventually.. her and all her sisters just kill themselves.. but it was so sad and the music made me cry and the thought of dying made me cry.. and then i was all alone and no one was there to talk to.. and im guessin joelle was out having sex with will and smoking weed at the time.. damnit. i hate drugs and i hate sex. it means nothing to anyone.. but everything to me. im just gonna not have it until im older and i meet non-highschool guys.. non college guys. i wanna wait for a beach/surfer bum who is so beautiful and sweet and loves really dirty, oceany, blonde hair.. and hes gonna have it too.. and im just gonna love him all over.. thats my dream. and we'll eat grapefruits for breakfast and have all kinds of fun, away from people and away from the "real" world. i wasnt cut out for it.. im just gonna be low key an stay outta that side of life when i get outa high school.. im so sick of it, and i hate bein around a lot of people.. who arent like me.. it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it. everything makes me uncomfortable.. except surfing...and being on the beach. see im fat now, and i dont even care when im sitin out on the beach.. it doesnt seem to matter out there.. and i am gonna get skinny soon.. but it wouldnt matter if i were or not.. that surfer guy yesterday wus so nice and so awesome.. and he just opened my eyes.. yepp...to wut the world has to offer.. good people. good guys. he travels all over the world to surf, just like i wanna someday. hes my new idol. and i dont even know his name.. i bet it was something so great.. i cant even imagine.
man.. someday if i ever have a daughter.. i wanna name her luxxy...that was the girl in the movey last nite, and the boys name was flip.. it was so awesome, i really like those names.. but i dont wanna have kids.. so idk..ill name my cat that or somthing.. my dog.lol
yes sirry tho.. today is the last day i get to be on the beach.. till its summer... it really sucks.. but i want to get in shape anyway.. i was thinkin and i believe that this year im gonna play soft ball.. it seems like a lotta fun, i use to play, when i was in 3rd grade, but then i broke my nose and it was not good...lol i didnt play after that. but yepper. i wanna play that. and that too will keep me in shape. its good. i am so unbelievably stoked to get my liscence so i can drive to work and drive to practice in the spring and go to peoples houses alone.. itll be great, and i love it. o man.. my mom and dad are buying this trailor, u know, the kind that drive around.. and we are gonna park it up in a camp ground in jersey beach, and they said when i drive up there, they will give me the keys, and me and my friends can sleep there.. it sleeps six! thats the best.. cause im gonna be able to go whenever and stay for free.. i love it.. plus its got a tv and a stove so we can cook.. and a bathroom and all kindsa neat stuff. i cant wait. i am gonna have some fun in that sucker.. we can stay up all nite with awesome people an talk.. we'll just have huge sleep overs with awesome surfer guys.. me and joelle that is. she needsa good surfer boy.. with long brown hair and beautiful eye brows.. plus they've got the best bodies, ever.. really. she wouldve like the guy at the shop yesterday. he had long brown hair and amazing lips.. plus he talked all great and stuff.. he knew so much and had the cuttest body ever.. he wasnt tall, but he wasnt short and he was all toned and stuff, but he still seemed fragile, thats wut was the best. hmm.. i have a stomache ache.. i started bleeding out of my vagina yesterday.. and its hurting me. lol it sucks cause its always when im at the beach that i get it.. haha.. its like.. bad luck or something i guess. i think its so i dont have sex with radom people.. lol even tho i wouldnt, its so i dont get tempted...well i think im gonna go, moms still at her uncle sonny's, n she told us to just go.. i hate bein without my maime.. she makes me feel more comfortable.. lol well i guess im out.. ill write later for sure.
n joelle.. im not mad, and i hope u are having the most wonderful day down in md.. im sure u are. u got some last nite.. haha
love you
steph

big fat momma

2004-01-03T01:12:40Z

well i ate too much, im sick now.. stupid me, but o well.. im talkin to joelle.. bout brad. i was thinkin bout him today...bout how awesome he makes me feel and everything. i think when i get home im gonna start to hang out with him more and see where it goes from there.. im not ready to have a "boyfriend" yet, but i would like to get to know him better and have a good relationship with him..

i gave my stash to tif.. she wanted to smoke and she called to ask who she could get some from, so i just told her she and krys could smoke mine, cause im quiting for good..i want to this time, no more. nothing... maybe ci's sometimes, when im stressed, but not reglarly..

i cant wait till this summer when i can go to the beach everyday! its gonna be so great, but i hope joelle can come and i hope some other people can come the times she cant.. i hate to be alone when im away.. but yea, its gonna be a ton of fun and im gonna meet so many new people! its great to think about.. i need to work out hard and get ready to surf tho.. really. no messin around this time. i always say ill do it, but dont, i need to this time.. if i ever wanna get good. i just need to get in shape, cause i got everything else down..

man.. i cant believe that brad wants to come horse back riding with me, its so great.. lol its gonna be fun.. and i cant wait to drive.. only a few days. well im gonna go.. i mite be on later, but im tired

joelle, if im not on, sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite.. hehe
love you
steph

surfection..mmm

2004-01-02T21:46:52Z

wow.. we went to the beach today and i got to catch some good waves. and i got a little tanner too.. i guess. idk. i wish i would get tan, but the suns not too hot cause its winter and all.. but yea on our way home we stopped to surfection outfitters.. this surf shop.. and dad bought me a board cover, that was 60 dollars.. and a rash gaurd for 30.. and mom bought me this awesome mexican blanket that was like 25.. and i bought myself a shirt and some wax.. but the guy there was so nice and gave me all the wax for free. plus a bunch of free stickers and a some free magazines.. o god, he was gorgeous.. i cant believe it.. he was maybe even hotter then the guy i saw when i first got here..lol but he told me he would take me out surfin if i came down this summer.. to teach me an all.. and im pretty stoked about that.. its the best and he was awesome, and my day was awesome.. i found a ton of conch shells on the beach.. it was pretty great.
but yea, its been a real good day. i miss joelle and i wish she were on.. but shes not, and i wish brad were on too.. i miss him also. i think i am starting to like him a lot.. idk.. im still confused. alrite, well we are leavin to go out to eat.. i will write more later!
joelle, i hope ur havin a good day.. i love you
steph

and morning shall set us free

2004-01-02T16:06:00Z

joelle.. i totaly agree with wut u wrote today.. u know, maybe it took me staying up all freaking night, talkin to brad dent to learn wut my deal is, and wut i should do, but i know now. Things do suck, people do suck, but there is so much awesomeness in the world too.. like you, there are people like you n like brad dent out there.. and that is enough to give me hope. i just dont wanna feel the way i do anymore. life is so short and i dont wanna waste it.. dustin an nick, they are crumby people.. they are, i can say that cause i know.. but they are people none the less... they have wonderful things about them... dustin has this way of making you feel so wonderful.. if just for a moment in time, he still makes things perfect. It is the most wonderful feeling ever.. he is a really great guy beneath the whole desperate lying pothead that he is.. and nick... hes got a way of talkin and just taking away all ur pain.. we talked all nite one time.. we just layed and watched the sky and talked and he is so amazing and hes got so much hurt in him that he doesnt wanna show.. hes human. I just feel bad for them, and though i wouldnt want anything in the future with them, relationship wise.. or sexual wise.. i would still love to help them realize that they are worth so much more then wut they give themselves credit for.. deep down they are capable of so much more then they even kno.. but i think that in time, they will grow up and they will see it.. and then things wont be so bad, n they wont be so horrible to other people.. until then, im just gonna be here for em.. strictly emotionally tho.. i dont want to have to give myself away to feel needed.. i will find love someday, we all will.. and when we do, it will be better then wut we think, and it will make up for all this stupid shit we are goin thru now.. i dont think i will find it here in redlion.. not much good comes from here.. not much comes from here period.. this place has way of holding u back from becoming anything. Drugs mean shit, they arent worth the pain and suffering they bring.. they delay reality and recovery... i think that drug attics in general can be good people, if they'd only stop lying to themselves and everyone... they would be better off. Reality will hit someday.. to everyone who ever tried to push it away, and that will be punishment enough, so i think i will just leave them alone...in the sense that i wont state my opinion of them.. cause its not worth it. i dont wanna be bitter anymore. and i dont wanna hate anymore.. i get hurt real bad sometimes.. by a lotta people. but thats how life goes, and things get better..thats the bottom line..

and joelle, u inspire me too.. without u, i would be lost in my own self hatred and in the past.. and i just wanna thank you for pulling me from the shit.. u help so much and im sorry if i was a bitch at all.. i dont want anything sept to be here for u, and i want u to be happy.. without taking stupid pills.. the more we mask our pain with these damn drugs or with wutever we do.. the longer itll take us to see the truth.. n then we'd be no better then the people that hurt us... u know?? we gotta be strong...an if we cant stand alone, we can stand together.. cause im not leavin.. and screw the past, im sorry for all of it. this time tho, we're makin it.. ok?? well i have to get ready to go, maybe i will call u tonite, i will try.. if not, ill talk to u on here..
i love you and thanks for everything!
steph

a really shitty nite, and brad dent...

2004-01-02T10:04:18Z

i am so sick and tired of being used.. i really am. im talkin to nick right now, and hes bein so gay cause i wont call tif in pa an ask her to get my weed and give it to him tonite.. its fuckin 1:11 in the fuckin morning.. seriously. but somehow hes makin me feel bad about it. ugh. he always does that.. even when he does his whole weird rape thing.. that scares the shit out of me. he is so freaking scary.. but sometimes he can be sweet and cool..and idk.. i am so tired of everything.. of all these stupid boys that make me want their time.. that make me feel so worthless unless i give into wut they want me to do... i am only worth sex,drugs,and money.. i knew it, but this only proves it.. people dont like who i am or wut i have to offer as a person.. just wut i have to offer in those areas.. i just know he doesnt fuckin care and i want him to so bad... i want him and dustin to care. they are like best friends.. and they are the same exact people.. fuckin potheads suck... i am a pothead, yea i guess.. but im not a desperate pathetic loser..
dustin and nick are the only guys i ever did anything sexual with.. and i felt so worthless after it, cause all i was to both of em, was a way to get off.. and i just want them to care, so that i can feel like im worth something... thats my problem.. all of it, right there in a nut shell..i wanted the "sweet nothings" to be true, every fucking breath of patheticness.. i wanted it to mean somthing.. but it meant shit and thats why i mean shit.

ha. and that was nick who said fuck off on dustin's sn earlier.. god, i would love to kill him. i hate boys.. they are all so shallow and pathetic and just want to screw u and run.
there's all these scissors sittin here and i wanna jst take a pair and shove them through my wrist so they come out the other side... and when i start to bleed i wanna drip it in your eyes until they burn.. like my insides.. and when u scream, i wanna hear it, cause its been so long since i heard anythin but the lies you've been feeding me...

ahahahahahah o my god, steve thinks i was the one who cut his neighbors lights, cause thats wut someone told him,and it turns out that it was will.. thats commy rat bastard faggot mother fucker.. yepp.. as if i ever doubted how low he could go. wut a pathetic waste of flesh and bones.. i could ruin thats stupid fuck and he's a serious moron to even say a peep about me.. ESPEACIALLY if it wasnt true. ha. wut a fuck up....and will.. if u are reading this, and im not sure if you are or not.. im gonna fucking kill u, i really am. u can take any feelings u ever pretended to have or any atraction u had for me and shove them up ur ass. ur a fuckin loser.

i will gladly trade the best of me for the worst of you, for just someone to love... sweet nothingness that fills my head and im wishing they were bullets.. all these promises you say youll keep..the ones that blow u in my face and im ready to move on, past all the shit ive been feeling about u, about them all.. so many fuckin mistakes i would love to just forget but i cant, they wont go away, not like u did. but im too drained to try anymore.. too tired to give a fuck about wut happens to me. maybe ill die today. but my luck was never that good.. im hatin these scars, and the burns that paint my skin in shades of purple...but ill tie up these feelings with the thought that tomorow will be better.. and ill promise them to you when i die.. you can have em, cause u got everything else.. seems like a waste ur not getting the shit. u deserve that most.. see. now its 4 o clock and i still cant sleep..too many nights and im use to this.. too many nights in the dark all alone.. when you're too high to walk me home.. too fuckin blind to see i cared..too fuckin drunk to see me there.. but im done with that, i keep telling myself ill be alrite...but im not so sure im right.. i cant forget the knife sticking out of my back,thanks alot for that..what am i saying? thanx for everything.. leaving me when i was 13 years old.. to deal with shit on my own.. thanks for telling everyone.. and for ruinin my life... for making me hate so damn much.. and want to die..givin me such a shitty self image..for ruining every song that ever made me think of u, or every smell.. taste and feeling.. for killing all the joy i once had.. my innocence..my idea of love.. for making me numb and making me bitter... thanks so much for everything u still do to me today.. and the way u can make me feel like shit when look at me or ask me for a hug..i love it. i love u.. and i hate it.. i hate u. so why dont u just fuck off..
ha. lets guess who i am writing about.. i hate that stupid fuck and he didnt even say anythin to me today, so i dont know why im thinkin about him.. its been so long since ive been so worked up about him.. i just had a huge conversation with brad and we are talkin abut everything n him and nick n everything... and thats y, im sure. its such a hard conversation to be having.. i told him almost everything about how i feel about guys.. more then i ever told anyone.. and i know that i will regret it, i always do.. but idk, hes a good guy.. i should be with him, but theres something that hold me back..probably my humngous issues.. but still.. i dont know... its almost five in the morning... i dont know wut im doin.. i cant sleep.. well i never tried to.. but i know i cant. i wish i could stop thinking.. just be at peace. i think i went against all my new years reslotutions tonite.. i made it one day. im such a failure. i think i wanna go out with brad. i like him.. alot i think.. idk, i cant tell wut i feel about him right now.. i dont know wut i feel about anything, but i know that i love him.. more then any other guy, cause its true... not just a fake hope. idk, i should marry him, hes amazing. god he makes me feel so wonderful when im ready to.. i dont think im gonna be abel to save the convo, its too long and it didnt save in the im for some reason.. idk

ok. sittin here, think bout dustin, i am feelin better... i dont blame him for everything.. its not his fault he was a kid too.. we were just young and dumb an i gave him the fuel and he just went with it. its me too.. a lot of it is me, i put so much on him that i knew he wouldnt give to me, and thats my own fault.. its alrite... ill be ok. im sure. hes a shitty guy, but its not all his fault, people let him take advantage of them... hes got this weird way about him. it makes u wanna give him what he wants..hes just that kinda guy. but i dont hate him, i just regret wut happened.thats all.. and nick.. same with him.. hes a bad kid, he uses people too, but people use him a lot too.. what comes around goes around times some.. he get fucked over bad.. and i feel bad about it, i just hope they grow up someday, they need it, and they would be good kids then.. ok.. well its oficially 5:00 ...i think i should go to bed now.. this is insane.. too long of a nite, i miss joelle and i wish we wouldnt have argued. i feel bad. i will say sorry tomrow. goodnite
steph

Usmcchick7 [2:55 AM]: no. thats people wise, human being wise
POWELL7624 [2:56 AM]: yea but their is alot of people out their like that
POWELL7624 [2:56 AM]: and all of the pathetic people need to grow up
POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: most of them are teens and stupid
POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: ?
Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: but ur knieve to think they will
POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: that they will grow up
POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: some of them will
Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: but people dont change, and some will.. but most wont ever be anything less then horribel
Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: horrible
POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: some will be in jail,dead who knos
POWELL7624 [2:58 AM]: but you like you said some will change
Usmcchick7 [2:58 AM]: but not enought to make a difference.. to give any hope to the future for any of us
POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: but yet you still talk to the people who use you and fuck you over
Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: we are all on our own... whether we like to face it or not
POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: no shit
Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: and so do u
Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: so wuts the difference?
POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: this worlds gonna be shit any ways
Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: i talk to em cause i am fucked up in my head and i have issues
POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: the world gonna end in the next thirty years
POWELL7624 [3:00 AM]: and you dont see any good in them?
Usmcchick7 [3:00 AM]: inside me, i need them to care, cause i think i wont feel so fuckin worthless if maybe these asshole who fucked me over and left.. would care
Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: but they dont, so i dont feel anything..
Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: i am numb and thats y i wanna be alone and thats why i still put up with it..
Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: cause maybe if i put up with it long enough, they will be greatful and love me or soemthing
POWELL7624 [3:02 AM]: they dont see you for just those things
Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ha.. dustin doesnt??
Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: yea, ur fuckin blind
Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: nick doesnt??
POWELL7624 [3:03 AM]: dustin or nick
Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ur sad if u dont see it
POWELL7624 [3:03 AM]: prolly not
Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ahahah
POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: yea but theirs other ppl that think your cool as shit cuz you nice
Usmcchick7 [3:04 AM]: u live in ur own little fantasy where u wanna think things are peachy with me and thats not all i am, but wake up brad..
POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: and other reasons
POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: they arnt
Usmcchick7 [3:04 AM]: u.. u think that way.
POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: you just looking at all the fuck up shit
POWELL7624 [3:05 AM]: im not living my life where its all hatred and pitty and all that negative shit
POWELL7624 [3:05 AM]: i know its their but im not going to let it get to me
Usmcchick7 [3:06 AM]: brad, when thats all there is, wut else am i supose to look at?? i cant get high all the time so i can forget it like u do.. all my shit is right smack in my face.. it cant be hidden.. so yea, i do look at the bad shit, caue thats all thats there
Usmcchick7 [3:06 AM]: Fuck u, uve got it easy
POWELL7624 [3:06 AM]: how
Usmcchick7 [3:08 AM]: u dont have to say shit brad.. u just sit there quiet as hell.. and things fall in ur lap
POWELL7624 [3:09 AM]: no one can beat me or use me i have on money no girls want to use me cuz im brad dent
Usmcchick7 [3:10 AM]: u got friends that care... and yea, those guys care about u.. u got the good side of em all.. but i got the shit end and u dont have money, but u have everything else.. the good shit..
POWELL7624 [3:11 AM]: yea your right
Usmcchick7 [3:11 AM]: and wtf fuck.. feel lucky that ur not goin out with some white trash whore from red lion.. there's nothing good here. and as soon as u can, get the hell outta here.. go as far as u can and stay there.. good girls arent from red lion brad.. they are fucked up here.. condiser urself lucky
POWELL7624 [3:11 AM]: are you talking about you
Usmcchick7 [3:12 AM]: i got the money, and i got the guys wanting to FUCK me.. but i dont have love and i dont have friends that care... i dont have shit, so believe me, u got it easy.. u got it good
Usmcchick7 [3:12 AM]: i dont know, i guess maybe i was.

POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: shut the fuck up i dont see you as trash i never did
POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: and i do care about you i would give my life for yours
POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: my life isnt all that great
POWELL7624 [3:13 AM]: my social life isnt the greatest
Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: but i am. i am an overreacting burnt out stoner who fuckin needs to do shit with guys to feel needed and worthy and ive got issues out the fuckin ass
Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: if that isnt gross.. or trashy, then u tell me wut it
Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: is*
POWELL7624 [3:13 AM]: you are needed either way
Usmcchick7 [3:14 AM]: fuck a social life.. who here is worth ur time?? ur a good one brad, ull amount to something
Usmcchick7 [3:14 AM]: by who?
POWELL7624 [3:14 AM]: by me
POWELL7624 [3:14 AM]: tom
POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: your family
POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: they care about you
POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: if you think they dont
Usmcchick7 [3:15 AM]: yea, o thats so cool. my best friends are my family.. thats pathetic
POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: your wroung
POWELL7624 [3:16 AM]: steph u r needed in this world
Usmcchick7 [3:16 AM]: brad u see things the way u wish they were for me u wish i was needed cause u think i should be
Usmcchick7 [3:16 AM]: but im not
POWELL7624 [3:16 AM]: yea
Usmcchick7 [3:17 AM]: seriosly.. open ur eyes
Usmcchick7 [3:17 AM]: im just a loser... im not a queen..
POWELL7624 [3:18 AM]: i dont want to see your life all shitty i love you steph i do and you cant think im a dumb ass you can think any thing you want
POWELL7624 [3:18 AM]: i wish the best for you i want to give you hope
POWELL7624 [3:19 AM]: and a better perspective on life but thats not the way you see it
Usmcchick7 [3:19 AM]: but thats not the way it is brad
POWELL7624 [3:19 AM]: i kno that
Usmcchick7 [3:19 AM]: i dont know why u love me.. i dont know how u could see anything through the shit i am.
Usmcchick7 [3:20 AM]: i wish i could see it the way u did tho, it sounds so amazing and i would love to feel that way for even a day
POWELL7624 [3:20 AM]: i have seen shitty ppl in my life your not fucking shitty
Usmcchick7 [3:20 AM]: well im nothing special.. just another fuck up.
POWELL7624 [3:21 AM]: your not a fuck up you can go some where in life you can make it better find new friends that care cuz they are out their
Usmcchick7 [3:21 AM]: but its hard to get up when uve been down for so long brad... i dont know if u know that or not, but it is
Usmcchick7 [3:22 AM]: i am so sick of tryin for nothing
POWELL7624 [3:22 AM]: dont be talking like killing your self its not worth it
POWELL7624 [3:23 AM]: learn from all this bull shit kno what to avoid
Usmcchick7 [3:23 AM]: i give the best of my heart and soul to asshole like dustin who use them to their advantage or dont even notice anyway... its real fuckin discouraging and it left me with nothing but shit to give... and i know that i will always do that.. always gift the best of be to them.. assholes
Usmcchick7 [3:23 AM]: i try, but i cant
POWELL7624 [3:24 AM]: so dustin started all of this?
Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: ....
Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: i was fuckin 13.. thats too young to have sex.. and it fucked me up
Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: it meant nothing to him and it meant everything to me
POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: and you never talked to him
POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: that wasnt 3 years ago
POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: was it?
Usmcchick7 [3:26 AM]: i tried.. i told him he hurts me by not caring and he would tell me to come up and then he would tell me he cared and try to be sentimental and then we'd have sex and i would leave.. and we wouldnt talk till he wanted some more.. i told him twice.. after the first time.. bout how shitty i felt.. and he used that to get wut he wanted
Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: i had sex with him, cause i thought it would make him care..
Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: yea, it was 3 years ago
POWELL7624 [3:27 AM]: and you dont want me to say any thing?
Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: about wut?
Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: to him u mean?
POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: yea

Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: holy shit no. i dont want him to know anything i feel anymore
POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: that shit pisses me off
Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: he doesnt fucking care
Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: n itll just make him feel more incontrol and he will know he can use me more
Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: and nick used me and dustins situation to get wut he wanted..
POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: and u will let it happen
POWELL7624 [3:29 AM]: ?
Usmcchick7 [3:29 AM]: nick said he was sorry for what dustin did to me and that he really cared about me and that dustin just uses people but he loved me.. and i bought it all..
POWELL7624 [3:29 AM]: why dont you get to kno him
Usmcchick7 [3:29 AM]: get to know who?
POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: nick is an ass like that
POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: did you kno nick like you kno me or dustin
POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: holy shit is that what you think im doing?
Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: yea, we use to talk last year, he was in my class and shit, and then we hung out a lot after school an shit last year, we were pretty close and i trusted him a good amount and he knew that
Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: ......
Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: i dont know brad..
POWELL7624 [3:31 AM]: i hope not
Usmcchick7 [3:32 AM]: i told u i have so much in me that i dont tell people and i dont know why im tellng u, cause u probably think im so weird and ull probably tell everyone.. but this is why i am the way i am, and y i dont date guys.. and i dated will cause i didnt know him, i didnt think he was like them n i didnt think he knew dustin an all u guys
Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: somehow i thought it would be ok, if i was with someone who didnt know anything... cause i could pretend they wouldnt be the sam
Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: same
Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: but all he wanted was sex. and i knew it from the start
POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: i kno nick is a dick like that cuz that one night that i got pissed when i was drunk.......He was a telling me that he knows i like you and he wouldnt do anything with u just cuz i liked you and yea thats why i was pissed
POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: your telling me cuz u kno me
POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: u kno you can trust me and dont think im pulling a nick or dustin
Usmcchick7 [3:34 AM]: but i dont know if u are or not
POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: and ive never told any one about any of out convos
POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: if im trying to use you for sex
Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: see.. no ones ever genuinly cared about me like u say u do. its always been like that, only fake, so i dont know wut to think about u..
POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: yea i think i would kno
Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: u would know wut??
POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: ive liked you since the fucking 3rd grade
POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: if i was using you
Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: i kno...
Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: im scared to try and feel anything brad..
Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: u've got to at least understand that... do u??
Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: i told u almost everything i feel.. so u must get it
POWELL7624 [3:38 AM]: i kno all that shit has messed with you i can see it from your point of view. now that i kno all this i understand and i would be afraid
Usmcchick7 [3:38 AM]: ....
Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: i dont wanna be , but i just have nothing left to be taken... so i dont know wut i am supose to do
Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: i am 16 and already im drained.
POWELL7624 [3:39 AM]: i rember in elementry its nothing compared to yours but girls used to be like your hot and they just fucked with me and i was afraid to date untill jr
POWELL7624 [3:39 AM]: they made me feel like a pile of shit
Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: ....yea
Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: and it sux
POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: but i guess it helped me in the long run
POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: mentally
Usmcchick7 [3:40 AM]: well the long run has fucked me up mentally. and i have a fuckin major issue with relationships and anything sexual in general
POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: thats why i never could tell a girl i love you i still feel akward but i can say it to you i have no fear
Usmcchick7 [3:41 AM]: i know wut u mean..
Usmcchick7 [3:41 AM]: i feel confortable with u too
POWELL7624 [3:41 AM]: i do though
POWELL7624 [3:42 AM]: like alicia i was in love but it ment nothing to her
Usmcchick7 [3:42 AM]: ... yea
POWELL7624 [3:43 AM]: shes a fucking slut and i think she just wanted to get laid
Usmcchick7 [3:43 AM]: ..thats so pathetic. i hate sex
POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: she said she loved me called me 24 7 and always wanted to fuck and i never did untill like 2 or 3 months and i regret it i was a stupid kid
Usmcchick7 [3:44 AM]: well i hate wut people make it
Usmcchick7 [3:44 AM]: yea, me too
POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: yea but u can change it
POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: that fucked with me but i said the hell with it all and i just avoid all that stupid shit
POWELL7624 [3:45 AM]: n learnded from it
Usmcchick7 [3:46 AM]: and i learn from dustin, but i make the same mistake with anyone who has something sweet to fill my head with..anyone who promises me a better tomrow
POWELL7624 [3:47 AM]: thats why im not going to ever settle down untill i kno its right
POWELL7624 [3:48 AM]: i hope you can sleep tonight
Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: thats why ill never settle down, cause i always mistake the wrong one for soemthing great
POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: cuz we are talking about all this shit and its gonna get us thinking when we are trying to sleep
Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: im not even gonna try
POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: you should
Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: im just gonna stay up
POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: just wait
Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: for wut?
POWELL7624 [3:50 AM]: i dont kno
Usmcchick7 [3:50 AM]: i wish u wouldve stopped me that nite brad... i wish sarah wouldve....someone. it would have saved me so fucking much.. i wish i would've stopped.
POWELL7624 [3:50 AM]: i do to
Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: three years changed my whole fuckin life for the worst..
Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: and i know ull say it didnt, but it did
POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: i wish he didnt he knew i liked you and i said i didnt care but i did
POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: yea it did
POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: but you can change it
Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: how?
POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: you might be scared but you can
Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: but how brad??
POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: mentally
POWELL7624 [3:52 AM]: i dont kno
Usmcchick7 [3:52 AM]: ....i wish u did
Usmcchick7 [3:52 AM]: i wish i did...cause i would
Usmcchick7 [3:56 AM]: wut are u thinkin now?
POWELL7624 [3:57 AM]: its sort of hard to avoid ppl like that you could think you kno them inside and out but they could be a rapest or something but their is better ppl than that. And yea it can take time but it will happen
POWELL7624 [3:57 AM]: how to help
Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: u do help, by just lettin me say all this stupid shit..
POWELL7624 [3:58 AM]: it does feel better to get it off your chest
Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: cause u know them, so u know wut im talkin about.. no one else knows em, so they wouldnt understand
Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: better but not alrite.
POWELL7624 [3:59 AM]: i get shit off mine to to when we talk and it makes me feel better even though i dont feel it no more
POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: the past wise
Usmcchick7 [4:00 AM]: ..yea
POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: i do but i dont feel it like i should
POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: i tend to take shit hard but idk
Usmcchick7 [4:00 AM]: yea, well so do i, so dont feel bad
Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: ur better
POWELL7624 [4:01 AM]: than you?
Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: yea
Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: at least u can rationalize things
POWELL7624 [4:01 AM]: uh i do not comprehend
Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: i am just sitting here wantng to shove scissors through my wrists
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: i wish you would stop putting yourself dow
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: dont
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: please
Usmcchick7 [4:02 AM]: u can make sense of shit and make them seem better.. and i just wanna die all the times
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: ive already have had one friend do it and im not gonna be abel to deal with it
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: and i dont
POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: bull
Usmcchick7 [4:03 AM]: u dont tell me, sept once
POWELL7624 [4:03 AM]: i look at my dad and see me in 30 years diseased wanting to die every waking minuit of my life
POWELL7624 [4:03 AM]: i almost killed my self at chrisis viewing
POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: i almost jumped in front of a fucking tractor trailor
Usmcchick7 [4:04 AM]: i almost killed myself there.. and everyday after that until this summer
POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: yea i kno
POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: dont talk about it
Usmcchick7 [4:04 AM]: i had to go on these crazy depression pills that knock u out..
POWELL7624 [4:05 AM]: please
Usmcchick7 [4:05 AM]: just so i wouldnt slit my wrists
POWELL7624 [4:05 AM]: i wont be abel to handel it
Usmcchick7 [4:05 AM]: so dont tell me brad, cause i know..
POWELL7624 [4:06 AM]: steph im startin to freak out dont talk about it dont do it please dont
Usmcchick7 [4:06 AM]: but i cant either and i always have to deal with it.. cause i cant stop thinkin all the time.. bout shit like this
POWELL7624 [4:07 AM]: i hope that means that your not gonna do it
Usmcchick7 [4:07 AM]: i just dont wanna hear it anymore.. i dont want to think it anymore. i dont want to see it when i sleep or when i close my eyes.. i dont wanna cry everynite and i dont wanna feel so god damn lonely.... but i dont know how not to.. its who i am.. an i dont know wut i am supose to do
Usmcchick7 [4:08 AM]: i cant think of anything..
Usmcchick7 [4:08 AM]: and its not that i dont try
POWELL7624 [4:08 AM]: if you found love do you think you would be lonly
Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: yes.
Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: cause love means nothing to me
Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: its not real to me.. just a fantasy
POWELL7624 [4:09 AM]: no it isnt
POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: its their and its real so it cant be fantasy
Usmcchick7 [4:10 AM]: a dream ive always chased, but always turned out to be a nightmare
POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: you just see it that way cuz of all that bull shit
Usmcchick7 [4:10 AM]: well wut else am i supose to think
POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: that its real
POWELL7624 [4:11 AM]: if you could only trust it
Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: ha. trust is for fools..
Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: for people like u se to be
Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: use
POWELL7624 [4:12 AM]: yea but you have to have faith in it
POWELL7624 [4:12 AM]: i could never screw you like they did
Usmcchick7 [4:12 AM]: but u wuld.
POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: no i wouldnt
POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: what u think i would use u like they did
POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: i dont look at any girl the way i see you
Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: but i dont know why..
Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: im just like everyone of those idiot
Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: idiots
POWELL7624 [4:14 AM]: the way i look at you the way i feel about you
POWELL7624 [4:14 AM]: what i feel is deep down
Usmcchick7 [4:15 AM]: i wish u would see me for wut i am.. im not perfect
POWELL7624 [4:15 AM]: i wouldnt even think about being with another girl if we were datin
POWELL7624 [4:15 AM]: u arnt perfect i kno
POWELL7624 [4:16 AM]: we can talk about anything
Usmcchick7 [4:16 AM]: i dont know what i am gonna do.
POWELL7624 [4:17 AM]: just dont take the easy way out dont kill your self
Usmcchick7 [4:17 AM]: easy my ass
Usmcchick7 [4:17 AM]: its hard to wanna end ur life
POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: yea but than you dont have to deal with all the bull shit
POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: steph dont im begging you
Usmcchick7 [4:18 AM]: im not.. not here, not right now
POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: never
Usmcchick7 [4:19 AM]: idk, lets not talk about dying right now
POWELL7624 [4:20 AM]: if you could only see that i love you for you and that im not setting up this plot to fuck you over i cant
POWELL7624 [4:20 AM]: this prolly seems like a trap but it isnt
Usmcchick7 [4:21 AM]: i trust u, im just still so... idk.. not ready to feel anything
POWELL7624 [4:21 AM]: your afraid
Usmcchick7 [4:21 AM]: i know
POWELL7624 [4:22 AM]: stop and realize im here and always will be
Usmcchick7 [4:22 AM]: i want to..
POWELL7624 [4:23 AM]: i want to say just fuck it but its to hard to do that
Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: fuck wut??
Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: fuck liking me??
POWELL7624 [4:24 AM]: yea i didnt clarfy that
POWELL7624 [4:24 AM]: no
Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: ...
Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: thats wut u meant??
POWELL7624 [4:25 AM]: fuck being afrad and jsut say screw it but thats hard
Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: yea i know
Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: it realy is
POWELL7624 [4:25 AM]: thats twards you and its not about death
Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: i know..
Usmcchick7 [4:26 AM]: brad, i love you
Usmcchick7 [4:27 AM]: i really do
POWELL7624 [4:27 AM]: i love you to
POWELL7624 [4:27 AM]: thanks
POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: do you kno its 425?
Usmcchick7 [4:28 AM]: ....its late.
POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: yea
Usmcchick7 [4:28 AM]: are u tired yet??
POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: weve been talking forever
POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: no
Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: yea we have
Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: ive been on since 1030
POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: not after i hyperventalated
Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: why??
POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: why i stared freaking out cuz i though u were gonna cut your wrists
POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: i told you i cant handle it
Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: i dont ever cut deep
POWELL7624 [4:30 AM]: dont cut at all
Usmcchick7 [4:30 AM]: i know..
POWELL7624 [4:30 AM]: my life will go to shit if you die and if im still around
Usmcchick7 [4:31 AM]: why??
POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: depressing
POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: loosing a big part of my life
Usmcchick7 [4:31 AM]: u make me feel really.. something.. idk, just nice
POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: if i dont kill my self ill die mentally
POWELL7624 [4:32 AM]: i wont care about any thing
Usmcchick7 [4:32 AM]: i wish u wouldnt say that
Usmcchick7 [4:32 AM]: y not?? u have everythin else..
POWELL7624 [4:32 AM]: i do but your a big part of it
Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: i wish u wouldnt say that
Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: i want more for u
Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: ur worth so much more
POWELL7624 [4:33 AM]: i was never really happy untill we started talking
POWELL7624 [4:33 AM]: why cuz i want the best of things
Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: the best??
Usmcchick7 [4:34 AM]: thats not me
POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: i want the best of things for you
POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: i always look at the better side of things
Usmcchick7 [4:34 AM]: yea, u do
POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: and try to make it better even if i cant
POWELL7624 [4:35 AM]: your better than love
Usmcchick7 [4:36 AM]: wut do u mean??
POWELL7624 [4:36 AM]: i dont see you as a nobody i see you as something good and great like heaven on earth
Usmcchick7 [4:37 AM]: ...and i see u as jesus christ himself.. ur like.. idk brad.. ur something real good..
Usmcchick7 [4:37 AM]: u have this way about u..
POWELL7624 [4:37 AM]: you have the potentall to go somewhere in life you have the wisdom your extremly intellgent
POWELL7624 [4:38 AM]: you have coped with so much shit
Usmcchick7 [4:38 AM]: thank you.. but u should come with me, if im worth that, ur worth that an more.. so we can go as far together as we can.. ok??
POWELL7624 [4:39 AM]: you may not realize it but all this is making you stronger
Usmcchick7 [4:40 AM]: cause uve got so much inside u, and u let it out slowly, but when u do let it out.. its.. amazing.. ur just a real awesome guy
Usmcchick7 [4:39 AM]: i know, its just hard to see that thru the way i feel...
Usmcchick7 [4:39 AM]: u surprise me brad...
POWELL7624 [4:39 AM]: why?
Usmcchick7 [4:40 AM]: cause uve got so much inside u, and u let it out slowly, but when u do let it out.. its.. amazing.. ur just a real awesome guy

happy new years

2004-01-02T02:50:34Z

well.. where to start. i guess its only been three days.. but a lot has happened.
aunt Karol's was really cool.. she has this big bloodhound named dixie doodle. and she is pregnant.. and all she does is lay around on the ground and drool. i loved pettin her big fat belly.. she was so cute!! and she had a rooster that loved to be held and petted and he was so huge!! he was really cool too.. and these two really cute kitties who loved to snuggle with me.. i wanted to take em home! but o man.. the best part was her four horses!! they were so beautiful and i got to ride them everyday and i loved it.. today i went out and we were out for like 3 hours!! it was so awesome. i want a horse and mom said i could get one if i could pay for the boarding and stuff.. i wanna so bad, but i dont have that kinda money yet.. i will sometime!
but yea, there were a million little kids around and they all love me for some reason and wanted to hug me and kiss me and always be all over me and on my back an stuff.. and i like it, but i got tired of carrying everyone around! it was alrite tho. i liked the attention, cause no one really has payed a large amount of anything to me lately.. i guess its ok tho.
last nite was new years eve.. and it was the most depressing new years ever..we set off some fireworks and that was pretty cool, i got burnt. but o man. we just sat around and everyone went to be before 12 except a few of us, like aunt karol me mom dad and uncle howard.. but we just watched the ball drop and then they all went right to bed. i did get to kiss anyone or talk to or be happy and jofull with, it was terrible. i fell asleep at like 2 after. i couldnt take it anymore... i hope that wasnt a glimpse of wut this year will be like.. lonely and sad. but i think that each year is all that u make it.. or as little as u make it. i wanna make mine amazing and be a good person.. i really do.i wanna not think about dustin ever, in the way i do somtimes. i wanna stop hating so many people, cause we all have problems.. i wanna get along with tif and my parents.. i wanna save a lot of money, and do some cool things when i get my liscence.. i wanna learn to love people.. and be a better friend and stop being so damn lazy.. and get a better job that makes me happier.. i wanna quit bein so sad and i wanna help people and feel gorgeous even when i dont look it.. i wanna be me and thats all..

i was just talkin to dustin, well actually not talkin to him.. i said hey how was tennessee, cause he went there for xmas, and he was like "fuck off" and i dont even know why. it wasnt cool.. but o well i guess.. i dont know wut i did.. and really im not sure i care. i will always love him, i really will.. he never loved me and i know that, but i was the doof that still gave him what he wanted knowing that.. i wanted him to love me so bad. i lied to myself and it hurt me so bad.. i wanna stop lyin too.. thats another thing for this year. but yea, i think that im gonna put the whole dustin thing in the past and put all those feelings in the past.. and just go on and learn from it. i know i wont be able to ever forget it.. but it will just be another experience i can grow from.. its gonna be ok.

i am gonna be ok this time around.. i can feel it.

i miss joelle.. i called her last nite, but no one would let me call her back, cause they were all asleep.. so i couldnt get their phones.
i love it here.. but i miss red lion. i missed it a lot last nite.. even tho the square is so dumb on new years... i love it! its tradition for me.. and there is always someone to kiss.. and love and always a happy thought to bring the new year in with, i brought in this one wishin i was there.. next year tho! joelle took so many pills today she said... shes really sick now! i feel so bad an i wish she could be ok, without will.. and i wish she would be able to be happy with out bein bad and i wish she would just let things go, with him.. hes not worth it, really. but i guess i went thru it all too.. it took me a million years.. well just 2, but still thats too much time to care so much. its a waste of youth.. that can never be a good thing.. youth is so freakin important.. i think that people try so hard to be all grown up, but they should be really focussing on bein a kid, for as long as possible.. i dont know why everyone tries to make everything so complicated and stupid, when it could be so fun and simple.. i wanna be simple this year.. man, i want a lot this year. but i really do wanna try it all.

holy poo..i got the best bob marley calender!! woo hoo! its so awesome and hes so gorgeous! man o man.. well holy cow, i better get off.. its 10.. and i wanna get on at 11 to talk to joelle.. grams gonna be weird and say i am on all the time.. but its the closest i can be to friends.. well.. friend..lol joelle, i love u!
peace
steph

if i could kill two people..

2003-12-29T22:09:42Z

man. so i called will last nite, cause he asked me to, and it was weird, we were talkin alrite and everything.. and idk.. i just dont like him. hes doesnt really give a damn about anyone.. i wish he would just dissapear and be gone forever.. and i wish joelle could forget about him. im more then certain everyone else would be able to on the drop of a dime!!! he uses people so badly. and everyone knows it. but another person that i am absolutely furious with.. and would probably castrate if i was given the chance... is that fat phuck, mitch.. god.. i would kill him in a heart beat! he was tryin to force joelle to kiss him and get ontop of him an everything last nite, an thats just plain shit. i tell u wut, it really pisses me off!!!
OK, i wanna stop bein angry now... today was a good day. we went to some thrift shops this mornin.. and i found an old michael jackson thriller record, and some old monkey's ones too.. so that was pretty cool. i also got these real cool head scarves.. i like em a lot.
After that, we went to the beach and i fell asleep and we stayed there all day.. then i woke up and surfed and then i came home.. and we're gonna go to the mall tonite. im pretty excited about that. i wanna see some young people.. i havent seen anyone under the age of 35 since i came.. well thats a lie. i saw those hottie hot surfers. but they were it... i like it here tho. i really do. i am kinda annoyed at how mean gram is to me, but i dont care. she cant ruin it for me... and they are all gettin drunk again.. but pop made me a bloody mary.. virgin of course. ha. its all spicy and good.. so i dont care that they are gettin trashed... again. so yea, its been a good day. i hope that i can talk to joelle tonite, i miss her, and i feel like she like hates me or something. she wrote how she wished that everyone would leave her alone... EVERYONE.. and i supose thats me. and idk, i just wish she wouldnt be mad or hate me or wutever she is doin right now...
i got sunburnt today.. it stinks. but its not that bad, so o well i supose ill live. I wish that people would like read my journal and wanna talk or something, no one is ever on and i get bored.. eh,too bad, im gonna go find some people.. ill write later
steph

behindsadeyes @ 2003-12-28T20:23:00

2003-12-29T01:31:16Z

wow. i actually really enjoyed shuffle board. pop didnt wanna go, so i was on a team.. and it was a lotta fun. we played for like 2 hours and then we came home and ate hot dogs.. lol i dont much like hot dogs. speaking of dogs.. frank is gettin worse tif says. mom thinks were gonna have to get him put to sleep... that would be so terrible. i am so mean to him sometimes, but i do love him to death.. i would be so sad if we hadda put him down..
good god, john nailor, got into an accident yesterday mornin and is now paralyzed from the neck down. thats so sad. hes so gorgeous.. he was realy cocky, but still, i feel bad for him. i wish people would think sometimes.. he was drunk. stupid asses, i swear. drinking is so feckin dumb. im real tired right now. that water kick the shit outta me. but its only 830 and i told joelle i would be on tonite.. so yea. im waiting for her i guess.
will wanted her to sneak out tonite, i hope she doesnt.. i dont like how he treats her. She cant help but give in, and he takes advantage of that. hes a real dick sometimes.. a lotta times. i love him, i do, but i dont think hes a good person. i dont think there is anything in him that is worth her time. really.. shes wayyyyy too good for him. i wish we had more french men in pa.. so she could get one of em and kno that will is a dipshit. well im gonna go look around and talk to other people cause i dont know wut else to write, ill most likely write again later.. love you
steph

lush

2003-12-28T22:14:19Z

well.. here it goes again. everyones gettin trashed, sept dad. sometimes i feel like hes the only one who cares if im alive or dead.. i hate havin to be everyones slave and i hate havin to sit here all alone while they get drunk and act stupid. today we went to the beach and i surfed all day... but daddy was out with me and he kept pushin me into these big waves and i would wipe out everytime.. my face would go right in the sand.. and it hurts so bad. i have the worst sand burn ever.... we went out to eat too.. and it was on this dock thing, and there were all these boats outside so daddy took me out to see em. and i want a boat.. i would love that so much... but these boats were like worth seriously, millions of dollars.. u shoulda seen em. i wish u couldve. but yea.. more richness that i hate. i would just want some real small sail boat.. like a little pirate ship.. yepp. i got to take some pictures today, of these insane jelly fish things.. they are called porteguese men of war.. lol they are great... latthey look like balloons.. blue and purple ones.. with these hangy things. lol i like em a lot. but i guess thats useless information.
i have so much sand in my bathing suit.. it hurts. my neck is like raw and so is my butt.. but o well.. i am gonna go soon i think. cause mom and dad and gram and pop are all goin to play shuffle board.. i hate it, but they want me to come be miserable i think. so i better do it. ha.

nights suck

2003-12-28T03:34:38Z

yea, well i went to walmart and it was alrite, but i forgot wut i wanted to get.. i did get the batteries tho, and now im listenin to bob marley.. its exciting. but yea, when we were commin out these gross batos were talkin about me and like whisling at me and they were like talkin in spanish, but i knew some of the things they said. and i was so mad... i hate perverted mexicans! im not tired really, but im bored outta my mind and im deathly afraid of the dark if im not sneakin out.. so idk, its scary to be in this dark house all alone. i feel like someones gonna get me. i wanna die young tho, but not before i see the world.. and meet an irish guy, well screw an irish guy.. hahaha um, i am not sure wut i wanted to write in here, but there's nothing to say, so im gonna go.. i am gonna find some other peoples journals.. woot woot..
alrite. later
steph

buffalo soilder

2003-12-28T01:01:30Z

well.. its only been a few hours since i last wrote.. but im kinda in the mood to type.. i like the way i know where all the keys are even though i never learned.. haha yea, thats stupid, but o well, i told u i was weird.
my mom an grama an pop are all drunk.. daddy's the only one who isnt. it sucks cause i cant drink and so im like just sittin here watchin them act like morons. i hate people who are drunk, they act so stupid. its like.. an excuse to act the way u really feel all the time.. i dont know, i guess that doesnt make much sense, but i hate when people are drunk anyway.. falling all around.. puking all over every damn thing in the house. its a mess.. its stupid. i am feeling pretty stinkin lonely. its weird. one minute i can be all happy and the next i am like.. dying or something. its so stupid. i think its just the nite.. nites are so lonely if you have no one to share em with.. and i dont. not usually, and even when i am with someone i feel alone.. or i feel like they are thinking bad things about me. i hate that.. man. my pop just called me tif. i should change my name.. and get like a face lift or something. i could just become her.. like everyone wants me to anyway.. man. im in a rare mood. i wish joelle was around to talk to.. i dont know what id talk about, but id like to just shoot the shit with someone, anyone really, but preferably her. shes an awesome girl. she really is... i love her to death. will is writing a story about me and him.. i told him it sounded good.. i dont know if i was lying or not.. he doesnt really strike me as the writing type.. he just is too critical of other shit.. and his books would probably be about soemthing stupid like how u should believe in something he believes in because hes god or soemthing.. i dont know. but this story is about me and him and a road trip to N.C..... he said it was like all dialogue.. which sounds weird in itself.. because he doesnt even know how i talk or how i think.. so its most likely totaly off... i dont know. no one really knows me, or my methods.. i change a lot, so i always stay spontanious and never predictable.. the only thing i may be predictable in, is dustin, or nick or something...i have a tendency to do the same things when it comes to them.. because, i dont know, im an idiot. plus ive got some kind of inferiority complex.. i dont know what the hell that is, but thats wut my sister told me and shes jesus fecking christ.. so i guess i should take her word for it. her and dustin said that i have a way of making any situation akward because i handle things so weird.. i dont know, i guess i do... i just always feel so uncomfortable around people.. i think that they are thinking something so horrible about me, so i get like performance anxiety.. even though im not performing.. i guess i'm just plain weird, and i cant hide it from anyone. i kinda just want dustin to like me, and think im cool or something, then maybe tif'll think i am.. but i always feck it up when im around him. it all comes back to the fact that i feck everything up. i dont like to think that way, but after 16 years of doin it, its kinda hard to deny it, ya know? i dont know exactly what my deal is.. i'm just real different from everyone else. i try to be nonchalant and like... low key about things, but i always seem to be like.. the loudest most boisterous person in every feckin situation. It's so annoying. its kinda like i am two people.. one part of me wants to be all quiet and have no one notice me, but the other one always fecks it up and screams.. and i have no control over that part.. yea that sounds weird as hell.. but thats exactly how it is. maybe im insane. probably. i dont know,and frankly i dont care... some day ill find someone just as insane and we can live happily ever after, like its supose to be.. I never bought that happily ever after shit.. i knew too young that things we're fecked up.. and it really blows. i was cynical even as a five year old child.. i knew shit wasnt right.. i was so goddamn horrible. i wish i could've been just knieve and innocent for a little while, at least then i could think back and remember somethin nice, but all i have in my past is shit. i cant remember anything worth feck anyway. so i guess its no matter.. my ma is taking me to walmart soon.. well not soon, at nine thirty,cause the lush is still drunk. i need to get some batteries.. cause my cd player ran out, at around 13 hours of driving... o well. i still have bob marley playin in my head.. buffalo soilder...thats a good song. its weird how i can remember words to every song i hear, even if i just hear it once.. if i listen to the words, i can remember em all.. but i cant remember my phone number, or the day even if i think for an hour. selective thinkin maybe.. none of the things i forget are very important to me, but music.. o man, thats my life.. i wont be able to remember who sang it, or the name of the song, but i wont forget the words ever. kinda crazy... no one is online right now.. i wish they were.. actually no i dont. i would just try to avoid talking to them anyway.. i never know what to say to people.. and i always end up makin an ass outta myself, well at least thats wut i think. no one ever told me that... but no one ever told me i had green eyes...but that dont mean its not true... ya kno? see.. there i go, with the stupid shit.. i say the weardest things sometime, no lie. i think i am gonna put some lyrics in here or something.. to spice it up a little..

I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay 'cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all i care
And i'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze 'cause i found god!

hmm i like nirvana a lot.. they are one of my favorite.. i like this song also.. of course tho, everyone does..

Load up on guns, bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's overboard and self-assured
I know, i know , a dirty word

Hello, hello , hello how low,
Hello, hello, hello,how low,
Hello, hello, hello...

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid, and contagious
Here we are now , entertain us
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,
Yeah

I'm worse at what I do best
And for that gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now entertain us
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,
Yeah

And i forget just why i taste
Oh yeah, i guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it's hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello

With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contageous
Here we are now, entertain us
A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido

i like that one a whole lot.. i like all of em. but i dont believe i will be puting anymore in right now.. we are gonna leave for walfart in a little while. i am wishing i wasnt in this kitchen, cause the thought of food makes me want to vomit.. i am so stuffed. i ate too much, and i need to go to the bathroom like u would not believe.. i better go before i shit my pants. ahaha i dont think that girls are supose to say things like that.. it doesnt put a very pretty picture in ur head.. well it doesnt in mine. i have to get outta here.. later
steph

florida..mmmmm

2003-12-27T21:58:36Z

wow, well i am in florida now... the ride sucked, but i saw a hide speed persute! woooohooo the guy ended up crashin into this tree and getting out and runnin into the woods and like there were so many cops runnin after him wit shot guns! it was in S.C.. i got to see it all an it was great!! but yea.. so today i went to the beach an it was soooo relaxing.. we drove around a lot to see some of the houses and its such an awesome place down here...i dont ever wanna go home! and if it werent for joelle i wouldnt!! o man.. i still feel like im high, all the time. my legs are numb and i like lost my sense of touch almost totaly.. its not cool at all. i can't think or speak or do anything normal anymore.. its really scary. i think im gonna stop totaly.. for new years.. im also goin totaly vegitarian and im gonna start really workin out and gettin ready for summer... i wanna be able to get good at surfing!! o god, today i saw these awesome surfers an they were all sooo gorgeous.. this one had these beautiful bleach white dreads.. and he was like.. o god, i dont even know how to explain it, he was amazing! i seriously dont wanna go home.. the weather is perfect.. an my grama has fruit trees all over! i get to pick fresh grapefruits everday.. and i know that sounds stupid, but its the best thing to me.. i love the simple things.. i really do!! i wana have a simple life when i grow up.. with no make up and no fancy clothes.. in a small house thats all green and white inside.. im gonna live in a place where its always summer and thats real close to the beach.. and ill wake up every mornin to the sound of the ocean and ill have some fruit trees. and a beautiful boyfriend with white dreads! hehe im such a dork.. i really am. but o well. i am so happy here.. everything about it makes me happy.. even the smelly swamps! hahah o man, we passed this real rich golf course thing and there was this little pond and there was an alligator swimmin in it! it was so great, cause those richy rich's prolly shit there pants when they saw him! those rich people are always shittin there pants over stupid things. its pretty funny tho.. cause they act so much better then us.. even tho they are the ones walkin around with shitty pants.. it makes me happy to think about it. lol i dont like the rich much.. i also dont like the ones who try to act rich but live in a trailor or soemthing... i think they would be much cooler if they just acted like they lived in that damn trailor. i was raised in a trailor.. no shame in it.. i turned out alrite.. i mean yea, ima little crazy.. but its not cause i lived in a trailor. i dont feel much like talking anymore.. i will write back later i supose.. oh and joelle, i hope ur havin a fabulous nite! i love ya woman!
steph

christmas day

2003-12-25T23:49:10Z

well.. today was pretty great. i think. i cant really remember most of it, and i slept a lot of it too.. i got everything i wanted, and then some! its great.. i got a new pair of converses, and i have been wearing them since like 6 this morning.. non stop. i like em a lot. i got a lotta awesome stuff..
i wanted to call will this mornin.. cause i dont know, i havent talked to him and i just wanted to say merry christmas.. and just be able to be on good terms i guess.. i dont know what i want from him. nothing really. i dont want anything from anyone. Except maybe i would like my mom and my dad and my sister to love me.. i mean, well they say they love me, but i would really like them to think i was more then a fuck up. I miss joelle.. shes like my best friend now a days.. well really, one of my only friends. I know she thinks im like so stupid or somehting, but i dont know, i love her to death! i wish she could be happy again, like with the whole will thing. i feel bad, cause i know how all that shit feels. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, especially not her.... shes a sweet person.. ok yea, that sounded dumb, but o well..
Man, today an last nite my parents were talkin about gay people and how much they hate them.. it really sucks.. cause im not a lesbo, but i like girls.. i dont know why. its a weird thing really.. i guess i shouldnt say that either, cause anyone can read this, adn they'll think im weird.. ha. i dont give a fuck, i forgot. i really dont care wut anyone thinks of me. they can suck it.
i leave for florida in like.. idk, 10 hours.. haaha im so excited! i talked to my aunt on the phone today. she lives down there. but yea, she is gettin a devorce from my uncle, and she said that next year,she wants to come to ireland with me.. and she wants us to go to china, cause she knows people there.. adn we'd have a free place to stay! i was excited, cause shes serious about it. shes so cool and i think it would be fun to be in a new country with her. especially ireland.. i am just like her. she doesnt care about anyone either and like shes so freakin awesome! i love her to death.. shes bulimic tho.. thats no good, but she is skinny.. i dont mind it, i wont try to make her stop.. wutever makes her happy really. well hey im gonna go, i dont have anything fun to say. i guess ill write back later. maybe if i get time.. ill prolly stay up all nite, so i can sleep most of the way tomrow.. so ill write some tonite. alrite, i think im gonna call will.. or joelle.. i dont know, i feel like talkin to someone. well later