Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in steph's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004
1:50 pm	for those of you who care.. I made a new journal.. just so i can get away from all this stupid crap and all that past year ive had in this one.. so if you are interested.. its Brighteyes77... (Comment on this)
1:21 pm	when sorry just doesnt cut it.. life is so strange. We do things that we hate and then regret them forever.. But I dont want to live that way. I dont exactly like the things i have done in my past.. even in the past week.. but there is no way to take it back and i refuse to be upset about it.. because life is far too short. I want to keep making stupid decisions and keep being young, until i am forced to grow up.. because i learn from most of the things i do.. maybe it takes me two times around the same route, but i learn eventually. Although i hate it now, and i wish that it would have been different, i cant take back the fact that i hung out with a certain boy on a certain night when i was feeling really low. And i cant take back that he took advantage of my vunerability.. and i cant take back that i kissed him back when he kissed me.. but the only thing i really wish i could take back.. was how i made a certain girl feel. A certain girl who, although doubts my sencerity and my loyalty, holds a huge part of my heart... a girl who means a lot to me. I make mistakes.. but i wouldnt take them back for the world.. i just wish that i could take back how she feels. "certain girl" i owe you an apology, but i doubt that it will mean a thing to you. Not only for making the same mistake TWICE, but for all the other stupid shit i have done to you in the past 4 years of my life. I was an imature kid.. and thats not an excuse.. its just a fact. We have always had a pretty screwed up relationship, and i take full responsibility for it. You have done nothing but try to live and be happy.. and somehow , i always find a way to bring you down. You are an amazing girl, with an amazing personality.. and so freaking much to offer the world! You are going to be an incredible mother.. and you are going to do something really great with your life.. whether it has changed from what you thought you would do or not.. it will be really great still. You really do mean a lot to me, and if anyone ever understood my insanity for a moment, it was you. I was so mixed up and so screwed up for so long, but u still tried to make it better for me.. you tried to help. and i just fucked you over. I am sorry for all of this.. all that i have ever done to make you sad, or mad, or hate.. I want only the best for you and your baby.. and i really hope that someday.. you will be able to forgive me for EVERYTHING i have done.. and maybe we can just try that whole, being friends thing, again. I wont say that it was all will's fault, because i could have made him stop.. but i didnt. and that is what i want to say sorry for most.. for it being my fault. i love you.. unconditionaly, and i hope that you can see through my stupid actions and know that someday. - a stupid girl Current Mood: really really sorry Current Music: jewel- foolish games... how apropriate (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
12:45 pm	i love my kitty well.. its tomorow, and i have been sitting here. lol i should do something exciting, but i still dont want to talk to sarah.. and i am kind of tired from all the late nights. Only a 2 weeks until i go to florida.. and im excited! I am gonna ride horses and stuff.. so thats exciting. What else? i dont know, i was thinkin bout m this morning and i think that maybe someday i would like to love someone like him. hes a good guy. Well, i am gonna go write some stuff... i havent yet today cause my kitty wants to love me up so much and i hate to wake her. EH, my stomach hurts because i ate a box of cinnamon toast crunch today.. in a huge mixing bowl.. i dont know why i did it.. i wasnt even hungry. ugh. ill talk to u later i suppose me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:20 am	its all for fun well.. another day, another boy. And somehow, in the moment, each one seems "different", or like they will mean something more, but like will told me, its all for fun. I am slowly but surely becoming ok with that... i am ok with how everything is, because life is short and wonderful. I want to do and accomplish as much as possible in the next year, because it will be my last year in high school, my last year to be truly "young".. so here is to making the most of it. Speaking of making the most of the moment, i really am glad that i went over to m's house today. He is more human than i remembered, and i like it...and i like that he's a big kid, because he makes it ok for me to be one, and i absolutely love him for that. I hope that things dont turn out like always, and i hope that we can keep kissing.. because he has the best bottom lip i have ever had the privilage to kiss, in my 17 years of life. I like how it is this summer, and i like feeling beautiful..and i like that so many boys have wanted to kiss me.. and i dont care what anyone thinks about how i am handling things now a days.. because i love it. I love life and boys and highschool and summer vacation and parks at night and my jeep and the boys against my jeep and my new kitten and being frustrated and frustrating people..and not having any ties and not being a tie and random acts of passion and crushes and everything.. i love being young... and when i have kids, i hope they love it too.. well.. my little shnooty is trying to sleep and i keep waking her, so im gonna go. me (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 6th, 2004
6:47 pm	random thoughts, lines.. as always. recycled thoughts.. processed souls. sold for pennies on department store shelves. mirror images reflected in the limosene windows..everything you've ever wanted to be. and we are all marching to the same beat.. everyone, with the same tin foil tounge.. gritting their teeth with every word.. a society, mass produced to love the taste. the sound, of guns, lead.. and here we are, six feet past any way to escape. hm.. i dont know why i wrote that, i was just thinkin and i didnt have anything else to write. i sure hope that someone comes across these stupid entries and pretends to care. it would be great. as always. me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
6:37 pm	back see, i dont even know why i bother writing in here.. probably in the hopes that all the people that i think about, but never talk to, will read it and see how i really feel.. i dont know, its pretty stupid. pretty petty. Im so sick of the word petty.. and cliche'... everything can be described as one or the other... its like an easy way out,when you want to sound like you know something... i dont like when people try to sound smart, i dont even bother wasting my good thoughts on people.. i write em all down, and i act like a complete moron when im around people.. mostly so they wont steal that too. I've been robbed of everything.. no lie. My jewlery, clothes, my style and every idea i have had for anything good.. EVER. so im not gonna say anything about what i feel or think on anything.. i havent in the past four months. maybe to ms. suppa.. in poetry. but i dont even know if she understands it. i dont know.. i have this weird need for her to find me amazing. shes the only person, who actually can see that there may be more to me then.. i dont know, failure. everyone else has given up, but she has hope for me, always.. i really admire her and look up to her, and even tho im afraid to talk to her a lot.. i really like to. shes got such awesome ideas on a lot of issues.... im bored now. simultaneously, with that thought, i got utterly bored.. i dont even know what i could possibly do now. Clean my room, maybe, probably not tho.. or i could study for my chem test, that i am most likely going to fail anyway.. im failing that class again. i am going to have to take another year of science.. ugh. its not fun (Comment on this)
6:21 pm	its been a thousand life times. wow. the last time i wrote in here, i was being a total bitch to joelle and writing things i thought could hurt her, i was hoping would hurt her.. and now i wish i could take back everything that has happened in the past 4 months. 4 months, holy crap. I am all alone, and i like it, i think. I feel like i should be alone, i mean, its just, its right, cause im not. I started caring again, like a month ago.. wearing makeup, the whole lot, but im back to the same old me again.. i cant escape her... even if i try. but people just arent worth it around here.. i dont care that they dont like me cause i'm hairy, or cause i get my feelings out, by writing and reading books. i dont care at all.. cause i cant think of anyone here that i would want to spend my life with.. so whats the point in a stupid senseless, highschool relationship, u know? but i do wish that i could be friends with joelle.. just because, i dont know, i love her. and im not lying either. I always tell her that, but she never believes me, either that or she doesnt care.. I wish that we were both weird and lesbians, so that we could live together and sleep together (minus the sex) and we could cuddle and travel, and i could help her with her baby.. I love her so much, i really do. but im a moron, and she hates me or, doesnt think i'm worth the hassle or something. I dont know, i do wish that tho. im not pregnant, but i am fat... fatter then her, and shes already like 3 1/2 months. im on some crazy diet with my mom, cause she thinks im gaining weight too.. and it sucks. i dont like it at all.. my sister needs the phone now tho. so ill be back momentarily. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
5:33 pm	ahahha joelle. wut a bitch haha.. u make me laugh joelle. u really do. u ARE a fucking moron if u ever thought i wanted to be ANYTHING like u.. u have got nothing in u that makes me jelous.. if you think u are an induvidual.. then ur fuckin blind.. wut makes u an individual?? the clothes that you buy at "PAC SUN" that tell u that ur an individual or cool.. or is it the ten pounds of makeup u need to wear to feel good about urself?? maybe its the amount of time u spend in the shower or doin ur hair?? which is it?? I am more of an individual then you will ever become.. i dont give a fuck wut u think or anyone else thinks.. and i dont fuckin need to go crying to strangers about people they dont even fuckin know.. ur a sad human being. u really are. If the thought of me wanting to be like u ever crossed ur mind.. u must be so god damn blind... i dont need u to tell me im worth something to feel like i am. and im so sorry u ever thought ur opinion mattered to me.. it means nothing.. really.. i dont need anyone as my "cruch" to feel ok.. unlike u with will.. just the thought of the things u said to that girl make me laugh uncontrollably.. ha ha ha... i cant believe u ever thought i would want to be like u, or i was jelous of u.. wut do i have to be jelous of?? tell me.. id really like to hear it ya know.. For u to even think that i need u to feel like i am worth somethign makes me physically sick to my stomach.. i am worth more then u could EVER give me.. EVER.. i am worth so much more then ANYONE could ever give me.. and thats why i dont need fucked up people telling me im worth something to feel like i really am. i KNOW i am.. i really do. i am real. unlike everyone else here.. this place is crawling with hypocrits.. with pathetic assholes who think they are something that they arent.. or try to be somethign they arent. so everyone else with think they're tough or "an individual.. its so fucking sad that u and all them think u can just buy that or pretend that.. fuck u and all them.. ha!! and im not jelous will wants to fuck u.. haha believe me, im not jelous. i chose not to be with him.. u seem to forget that. and he liked me, and still wanted to be with me, and u forget that too.. so wut makes u think u being.. well ur not with him.. u FUCKING him.. would make me jelous?? haha it makes me sick actually, but wut does it matter?? i dont need to explain anything to u. i dont owe u a damn thing.. and u know, i am glad i dont need a fuckin online journal to get out the feelings i have.. i am glad i know how to talk to actual people... or choose not to.. ur sad.. u should keep seeing that shrink. cause i seriously think uve got a lot u need to deal with... in ur head. I am done with that faggot journal.. its so stupid how u just use it to say wut u really want to, to me, and to will. and who ever.. try talkin sometime and maybe u wouldnt be so fucked in ur head. I am a posotive person, and i dont need someone like u to tell me i am.. i dont need anything from u, nor have i ever. i chose to be ur friend cause i thought u would be fun to hang out with.. thats all, and u just cause so much fucking drama. i dont think its worth it.. wut a waste, right?? and really, if u were so sick of me, or wished so bad that u woudlnt have become friends with me again, u shoulda been strong enough to tell me to my fuckin face. ur sad. and weak. and thats all i gotta say. i dont fucking care if this hurts ur feelings.. u only ever worry about ur own anyway.. u deserve wutever u get in life.. and yea. i do too, but at least i know the truth.. and i dont choose to blindfold myself....reality is a bitch. and when it hits u and ur little princess, like it's gonna... u will wish u were never born. smarten up joelle. really.. u know shit about the world. o. and dont ever fuckin question my beliefs or ideas again. u kno nothing about being real.. so dont fucking pretend u are. I am all i want to be.. theres nothing that anyone could ever do or say to change it.. especially not someone as weak as u.... so think, and write what u want, cause i know ull go whine about it in ur journal... but u've got nothing on me... not a FUCKING thing. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
3:27 pm	joelle.. yea. so i guess me and joelle got into an argument last nite.. and she posted it all in her journal. u know,its great. the way she does that.. it seriously seems like she is the one who is always depressed or wanting to die.. or hating everyone.. except will of course, cause somehow, he is jesus christ.. u know. i hate how it is... i wish she would just not ask my opinion.. n its bullshit that she says when she really needs me that i get pissed.. ha. yea, im sure i do. even tho i definately dont care who shes fucking or loving or wutever.. but as a friend.. i am supose to try and save her from making bad decisions.. like she is supose to guide me away from them.. but everytime i say something she gets all offended.. because she thinks will can do no wrong. but u know i dont give a fuck. she is goin down the same road he is.... shes not goin to school just as much as he doesnt.. maybe thats supose to make him like her more. i dont know, and really i dont care.. i have my ideas too ya know. of wut i want my future to be.. and maybe i thought i would be friends with her after high school, but fuck that, she doesnt see it. cause theres something so horrid about me or something.. like me caring about her is such a horrible thing. she doesnt see it that way tho.. she sees it as me being a bitch, so ha. who sees all negative now? i am suposidly a negative person.. cause i only see bad things about people. but i most definately see the good.. obviously.. i see the good in her, or else i wouldnt waste my time... i care about her and i care about a few other people.. select few.. because i see the good in them.. and the BAD... but i just overlook it, cause i care. thats how it is.. The people that i see mostly bad about... are the people who arent worth overlooking.. but she doesnt understand that. will told me the same things he tells her.. he told me he loved me, and we talked about the future. and about being together forever, and gettin a place and traveling.. but " i dont know anything" really... i dont know how he is, or how it can be with him.. nope i dont. but wutever.. i overlook the bad in people who are mostly good.. he isnt mostly good, and when she sees it, im gonna be here for her, but u know, i dont think i can compete with him now, nor would i like to. i dont need friends who want me to fight over them... ive had that in the past, and it never works. so fuck it. i dont care really.. ill be here whenever shes ready to be logical and not ask me for my opinion when she doesnt wanna hear it.. i will be, and ill be here for her whenever she needs anything.. cause no matter how much we disagree on will.. or anything, i still love her, and i care about her. shes my best friend. and i dont think that goes away.. it never did before... thats all i need to say now. i hope that she had a more posotive day today, then wut she did yesterday.. i dont like her to be sad. it makes my heart hurt, cause i dont know how to help, or wut to say. im sorry for that.. i really am.. and none of this is meant to be mean, or sarcastic... its just all wut i feel.. plain and simple.. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
9:33 pm	i just feel so detached from everything and everyone.. i need someone who already knows me, to be around.. i dont have the energy to get to know anyone else.. and i dont have the strength to let anyone know me.. i hate being alone and its all i am.. its like over the summer.. only everyone else got better. and i never did. they found love and happiness.. and i found drugs. but its wearing off and im sober now.. its not a good thing to be sober after so long, it makes me feel things i dont wanna feel.. im just so numb and confuse in wut i want and where i want to be.. all i know is its not this and not here.. i wanna be in some far away place where its always summer and u never have to wear shoes.. if heaven exists, thats it, i think. The feeling of summer on ur bare feet.. yea.. im waiting for someone to say somethign good.. but no one ever does. something to take my mind off everything im thinking, but they dont. i expect too much from people.. and then im always let down.. i can admit that.. but lately i havent expected much, just for people to be nice to me and treat me like im normal.. i just wanna not be so weird anymore.. tif and her fag bf really made me feel like shit on xmas.. and i cant stop thinkin about it.. they both were like tellin me how i make every situation akward and dustin said it didnt matter wut i was doing or sayin, i could find a way to make it weird.. and how they just think im so crazy.. but they both said it, so its like a mutual thought that they had.. but then again, every thought is mutual with them.. they are the same person.. god, the son, and the holy fucking spirit. i do, and i know that, but i try not to.. its just, i am so fuckin nervous around people.. so outta my element. i like to be just me and a friend without the rest of the world.. the only problem is, i need a friend. i know joelle and keesh are my friends. but i question everything and so i am alone. i dont even know wut joelle really thinks and i know she says she loves me and we're friends. but i think she has will and she really doesnt need me anymore.. they are mended,and so im just in the way... and with keesha, im just here when she needs to talk, cause she knows i will listen and not say anything. its ok, i wanna help and all, but i really wish i could just talk to someone... for like hours and hours and just say wut i feel about everything. i have so much i keep inside. and i just wish i could say it. the world is full of hypocrits.. we're all hyprocrits whether we like to admit it or not.. i hate people more then the next person, but i am more then ready to admit we've all got our faults.. u and me and everyone else.. it sucks, yea, but we are all human and we just gotta understand that we all do shitty things to eachother. idk.. man, im goin to a punk show saturday nite, im pretty stoked.. i love shows. i love punks.. i love music! i wish that i could be in some awesome band, but i dont have any talents.. not in music.. or anything really.. i havent found something im good at. im not too worried about it tho.. im good at eating. ha. and making bongs.. so maybe thats my talent. i really need to quit that, but bein here, back in bum fuck egypt.. its the only thing to do or think about.. so its hard for me. im weak with shit like this. its sad. o well. im goin to bed, im tired.. school tomorw.. woot woot.. all the work that ive missed.. yes! i cant wait. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
8:01 pm	im tired of waiting around for my fuckin mom to want to be with me. shes so selfish, and its annoying. and im also annoyed at joelle.. shes always acting soo smug and blah blah blah when i try to help.. fuck everyone. i dont care (Comment on this)
5:22 pm	mmm... the beach well. today was my last day at the beach,and i used my new rash gaurd. i like it alot. i spent like the whole time in the water and im gettin a lot better at catchin waves an thats got me pretty stoked. but yea.. i was thinkin while i was layin on my board out there.. bout how i wish it could be that way always... like, just me. i dont like bein with people at all.. somtimes.. but i mean. i dont like being judged and i dont like drama or too many emotions.. and thats all people bring. i liked how i felt out there.. and im ready for it to be summer, so i can feel that way always.. i wish i had some friends that are surfers.. my chem teacher is.. but hes too old to hang out with. joelle thinks that i care so much that she fucked will.. but i dont. i dont care about anything anymore.. cause i do try to help and i tell her wut she needs to do, and bein i went thru it all, i KNOW wut she needs to do.. and then she gets offended and is all like.."oo i know, but i needa do it this way..blah blah blah." but that pisses me off.. cause whenever she tries to give me advice and i dont wanna do it that way, she gets mad at me.. like its a direct hit against her or something. i dont know.. so much drama. i wish we could just have the good stuff.. i wish will would die or dissapear, cause he starts so much trouble and brings so much shit to her life.. whether she wants to admit that or not. and she wont admit that he is an asshole and that he is a bad person.. cause she says she sees the good in him or something.. but thats shit, cause will doesnt show any good.. unless ur bein all oo gooshy with him. and thats all fake anyway. she can think wut she wants tho, i dont care and maybe its better that way. i dont know. im not mad at her tho. so i hope she knows that. she can do wutever, and fuck whoever she wants.. whenever.. and i dont care about it at all.. its her life she is messin with. not mine. even tho it does crush me, cause shes my best friend, obviously she doesnt give a flyin fuck about my feelings.. cause she does it anyway. so maybe i shouldnt care so damn much about people who dont care about me.. simple enough. i guess ill talk to u later joelle.. so u can tell me wutever it is u need to.. or wutever. love u steph Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: none, i wish i were listening to nirvana or some bob.. (Comment on this)
10:16 am	joelle and will... well... joelle and will had sex again last nite....annnnnnnd she got high. even tho we said we were gonna quit together. but o well. i dont care anymore. i was up all nite cryin cause i watched virgin suicides and the girl in it went thru the same thing me and dustin did... but only a little different... but she kept having to have sex with guys to feel ok.. and eventually.. her and all her sisters just kill themselves.. but it was so sad and the music made me cry and the thought of dying made me cry.. and then i was all alone and no one was there to talk to.. and im guessin joelle was out having sex with will and smoking weed at the time.. damnit. i hate drugs and i hate sex. it means nothing to anyone.. but everything to me. im just gonna not have it until im older and i meet non-highschool guys.. non college guys. i wanna wait for a beach/surfer bum who is so beautiful and sweet and loves really dirty, oceany, blonde hair.. and hes gonna have it too.. and im just gonna love him all over.. thats my dream. and we'll eat grapefruits for breakfast and have all kinds of fun, away from people and away from the "real" world. i wasnt cut out for it.. im just gonna be low key an stay outta that side of life when i get outa high school.. im so sick of it, and i hate bein around a lot of people.. who arent like me.. it makes me uncomfortable and i dont like it. everything makes me uncomfortable.. except surfing...and being on the beach. see im fat now, and i dont even care when im sitin out on the beach.. it doesnt seem to matter out there.. and i am gonna get skinny soon.. but it wouldnt matter if i were or not.. that surfer guy yesterday wus so nice and so awesome.. and he just opened my eyes.. yepp...to wut the world has to offer.. good people. good guys. he travels all over the world to surf, just like i wanna someday. hes my new idol. and i dont even know his name.. i bet it was something so great.. i cant even imagine. man.. someday if i ever have a daughter.. i wanna name her luxxy...that was the girl in the movey last nite, and the boys name was flip.. it was so awesome, i really like those names.. but i dont wanna have kids.. so idk..ill name my cat that or somthing.. my dog.lol yes sirry tho.. today is the last day i get to be on the beach.. till its summer... it really sucks.. but i want to get in shape anyway.. i was thinkin and i believe that this year im gonna play soft ball.. it seems like a lotta fun, i use to play, when i was in 3rd grade, but then i broke my nose and it was not good...lol i didnt play after that. but yepper. i wanna play that. and that too will keep me in shape. its good. i am so unbelievably stoked to get my liscence so i can drive to work and drive to practice in the spring and go to peoples houses alone.. itll be great, and i love it. o man.. my mom and dad are buying this trailor, u know, the kind that drive around.. and we are gonna park it up in a camp ground in jersey beach, and they said when i drive up there, they will give me the keys, and me and my friends can sleep there.. it sleeps six! thats the best.. cause im gonna be able to go whenever and stay for free.. i love it.. plus its got a tv and a stove so we can cook.. and a bathroom and all kindsa neat stuff. i cant wait. i am gonna have some fun in that sucker.. we can stay up all nite with awesome people an talk.. we'll just have huge sleep overs with awesome surfer guys.. me and joelle that is. she needsa good surfer boy.. with long brown hair and beautiful eye brows.. plus they've got the best bodies, ever.. really. she wouldve like the guy at the shop yesterday. he had long brown hair and amazing lips.. plus he talked all great and stuff.. he knew so much and had the cuttest body ever.. he wasnt tall, but he wasnt short and he was all toned and stuff, but he still seemed fragile, thats wut was the best. hmm.. i have a stomache ache.. i started bleeding out of my vagina yesterday.. and its hurting me. lol it sucks cause its always when im at the beach that i get it.. haha.. its like.. bad luck or something i guess. i think its so i dont have sex with radom people.. lol even tho i wouldnt, its so i dont get tempted...well i think im gonna go, moms still at her uncle sonny's, n she told us to just go.. i hate bein without my maime.. she makes me feel more comfortable.. lol well i guess im out.. ill write later for sure. n joelle.. im not mad, and i hope u are having the most wonderful day down in md.. im sure u are. u got some last nite.. haha love you steph (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
7:50 pm	big fat momma well i ate too much, im sick now.. stupid me, but o well.. im talkin to joelle.. bout brad. i was thinkin bout him today...bout how awesome he makes me feel and everything. i think when i get home im gonna start to hang out with him more and see where it goes from there.. im not ready to have a "boyfriend" yet, but i would like to get to know him better and have a good relationship with him.. i gave my stash to tif.. she wanted to smoke and she called to ask who she could get some from, so i just told her she and krys could smoke mine, cause im quiting for good..i want to this time, no more. nothing... maybe ci's sometimes, when im stressed, but not reglarly.. i cant wait till this summer when i can go to the beach everyday! its gonna be so great, but i hope joelle can come and i hope some other people can come the times she cant.. i hate to be alone when im away.. but yea, its gonna be a ton of fun and im gonna meet so many new people! its great to think about.. i need to work out hard and get ready to surf tho.. really. no messin around this time. i always say ill do it, but dont, i need to this time.. if i ever wanna get good. i just need to get in shape, cause i got everything else down.. man.. i cant believe that brad wants to come horse back riding with me, its so great.. lol its gonna be fun.. and i cant wait to drive.. only a few days. well im gonna go.. i mite be on later, but im tired joelle, if im not on, sleep tight and dont let the bed bugs bite.. hehe love you steph (Comment on this)
4:40 pm	surfection..mmm wow.. we went to the beach today and i got to catch some good waves. and i got a little tanner too.. i guess. idk. i wish i would get tan, but the suns not too hot cause its winter and all.. but yea on our way home we stopped to surfection outfitters.. this surf shop.. and dad bought me a board cover, that was 60 dollars.. and a rash gaurd for 30.. and mom bought me this awesome mexican blanket that was like 25.. and i bought myself a shirt and some wax.. but the guy there was so nice and gave me all the wax for free. plus a bunch of free stickers and a some free magazines.. o god, he was gorgeous.. i cant believe it.. he was maybe even hotter then the guy i saw when i first got here..lol but he told me he would take me out surfin if i came down this summer.. to teach me an all.. and im pretty stoked about that.. its the best and he was awesome, and my day was awesome.. i found a ton of conch shells on the beach.. it was pretty great. but yea, its been a real good day. i miss joelle and i wish she were on.. but shes not, and i wish brad were on too.. i miss him also. i think i am starting to like him a lot.. idk.. im still confused. alrite, well we are leavin to go out to eat.. i will write more later! joelle, i hope ur havin a good day.. i love you steph (Comment on this)
10:47 am	and morning shall set us free joelle.. i totaly agree with wut u wrote today.. u know, maybe it took me staying up all freaking night, talkin to brad dent to learn wut my deal is, and wut i should do, but i know now. Things do suck, people do suck, but there is so much awesomeness in the world too.. like you, there are people like you n like brad dent out there.. and that is enough to give me hope. i just dont wanna feel the way i do anymore. life is so short and i dont wanna waste it.. dustin an nick, they are crumby people.. they are, i can say that cause i know.. but they are people none the less... they have wonderful things about them... dustin has this way of making you feel so wonderful.. if just for a moment in time, he still makes things perfect. It is the most wonderful feeling ever.. he is a really great guy beneath the whole desperate lying pothead that he is.. and nick... hes got a way of talkin and just taking away all ur pain.. we talked all nite one time.. we just layed and watched the sky and talked and he is so amazing and hes got so much hurt in him that he doesnt wanna show.. hes human. I just feel bad for them, and though i wouldnt want anything in the future with them, relationship wise.. or sexual wise.. i would still love to help them realize that they are worth so much more then wut they give themselves credit for.. deep down they are capable of so much more then they even kno.. but i think that in time, they will grow up and they will see it.. and then things wont be so bad, n they wont be so horrible to other people.. until then, im just gonna be here for em.. strictly emotionally tho.. i dont want to have to give myself away to feel needed.. i will find love someday, we all will.. and when we do, it will be better then wut we think, and it will make up for all this stupid shit we are goin thru now.. i dont think i will find it here in redlion.. not much good comes from here.. not much comes from here period.. this place has way of holding u back from becoming anything. Drugs mean shit, they arent worth the pain and suffering they bring.. they delay reality and recovery... i think that drug attics in general can be good people, if they'd only stop lying to themselves and everyone... they would be better off. Reality will hit someday.. to everyone who ever tried to push it away, and that will be punishment enough, so i think i will just leave them alone...in the sense that i wont state my opinion of them.. cause its not worth it. i dont wanna be bitter anymore. and i dont wanna hate anymore.. i get hurt real bad sometimes.. by a lotta people. but thats how life goes, and things get better..thats the bottom line.. and joelle, u inspire me too.. without u, i would be lost in my own self hatred and in the past.. and i just wanna thank you for pulling me from the shit.. u help so much and im sorry if i was a bitch at all.. i dont want anything sept to be here for u, and i want u to be happy.. without taking stupid pills.. the more we mask our pain with these damn drugs or with wutever we do.. the longer itll take us to see the truth.. n then we'd be no better then the people that hurt us... u know?? we gotta be strong...an if we cant stand alone, we can stand together.. cause im not leavin.. and screw the past, im sorry for all of it. this time tho, we're makin it.. ok?? well i have to get ready to go, maybe i will call u tonite, i will try.. if not, ill talk to u on here.. i love you and thanks for everything! steph (Comment on this)
5:05 am	a really shitty nite, and brad dent... i am so sick and tired of being used.. i really am. im talkin to nick right now, and hes bein so gay cause i wont call tif in pa an ask her to get my weed and give it to him tonite.. its fuckin 1:11 in the fuckin morning.. seriously. but somehow hes makin me feel bad about it. ugh. he always does that.. even when he does his whole weird rape thing.. that scares the shit out of me. he is so freaking scary.. but sometimes he can be sweet and cool..and idk.. i am so tired of everything.. of all these stupid boys that make me want their time.. that make me feel so worthless unless i give into wut they want me to do... i am only worth sex,drugs,and money.. i knew it, but this only proves it.. people dont like who i am or wut i have to offer as a person.. just wut i have to offer in those areas.. i just know he doesnt fuckin care and i want him to so bad... i want him and dustin to care. they are like best friends.. and they are the same exact people.. fuckin potheads suck... i am a pothead, yea i guess.. but im not a desperate pathetic loser.. dustin and nick are the only guys i ever did anything sexual with.. and i felt so worthless after it, cause all i was to both of em, was a way to get off.. and i just want them to care, so that i can feel like im worth something... thats my problem.. all of it, right there in a nut shell..i wanted the "sweet nothings" to be true, every fucking breath of patheticness.. i wanted it to mean somthing.. but it meant shit and thats why i mean shit. ha. and that was nick who said fuck off on dustin's sn earlier.. god, i would love to kill him. i hate boys.. they are all so shallow and pathetic and just want to screw u and run. there's all these scissors sittin here and i wanna jst take a pair and shove them through my wrist so they come out the other side... and when i start to bleed i wanna drip it in your eyes until they burn.. like my insides.. and when u scream, i wanna hear it, cause its been so long since i heard anythin but the lies you've been feeding me... ahahahahahah o my god, steve thinks i was the one who cut his neighbors lights, cause thats wut someone told him,and it turns out that it was will.. thats commy rat bastard faggot mother fucker.. yepp.. as if i ever doubted how low he could go. wut a pathetic waste of flesh and bones.. i could ruin thats stupid fuck and he's a serious moron to even say a peep about me.. ESPEACIALLY if it wasnt true. ha. wut a fuck up....and will.. if u are reading this, and im not sure if you are or not.. im gonna fucking kill u, i really am. u can take any feelings u ever pretended to have or any atraction u had for me and shove them up ur ass. ur a fuckin loser. i will gladly trade the best of me for the worst of you, for just someone to love... sweet nothingness that fills my head and im wishing they were bullets.. all these promises you say youll keep..the ones that blow u in my face and im ready to move on, past all the shit ive been feeling about u, about them all.. so many fuckin mistakes i would love to just forget but i cant, they wont go away, not like u did. but im too drained to try anymore.. too tired to give a fuck about wut happens to me. maybe ill die today. but my luck was never that good.. im hatin these scars, and the burns that paint my skin in shades of purple...but ill tie up these feelings with the thought that tomorow will be better.. and ill promise them to you when i die.. you can have em, cause u got everything else.. seems like a waste ur not getting the shit. u deserve that most.. see. now its 4 o clock and i still cant sleep..too many nights and im use to this.. too many nights in the dark all alone.. when you're too high to walk me home.. too fuckin blind to see i cared..too fuckin drunk to see me there.. but im done with that, i keep telling myself ill be alrite...but im not so sure im right.. i cant forget the knife sticking out of my back,thanks alot for that..what am i saying? thanx for everything.. leaving me when i was 13 years old.. to deal with shit on my own.. thanks for telling everyone.. and for ruinin my life... for making me hate so damn much.. and want to die..givin me such a shitty self image..for ruining every song that ever made me think of u, or every smell.. taste and feeling.. for killing all the joy i once had.. my innocence..my idea of love.. for making me numb and making me bitter... thanks so much for everything u still do to me today.. and the way u can make me feel like shit when look at me or ask me for a hug..i love it. i love u.. and i hate it.. i hate u. so why dont u just fuck off.. ha. lets guess who i am writing about.. i hate that stupid fuck and he didnt even say anythin to me today, so i dont know why im thinkin about him.. its been so long since ive been so worked up about him.. i just had a huge conversation with brad and we are talkin abut everything n him and nick n everything... and thats y, im sure. its such a hard conversation to be having.. i told him almost everything about how i feel about guys.. more then i ever told anyone.. and i know that i will regret it, i always do.. but idk, hes a good guy.. i should be with him, but theres something that hold me back..probably my humngous issues.. but still.. i dont know... its almost five in the morning... i dont know wut im doin.. i cant sleep.. well i never tried to.. but i know i cant. i wish i could stop thinking.. just be at peace. i think i went against all my new years reslotutions tonite.. i made it one day. im such a failure. i think i wanna go out with brad. i like him.. alot i think.. idk, i cant tell wut i feel about him right now.. i dont know wut i feel about anything, but i know that i love him.. more then any other guy, cause its true... not just a fake hope. idk, i should marry him, hes amazing. god he makes me feel so wonderful when im ready to.. i dont think im gonna be abel to save the convo, its too long and it didnt save in the im for some reason.. idk ok. sittin here, think bout dustin, i am feelin better... i dont blame him for everything.. its not his fault he was a kid too.. we were just young and dumb an i gave him the fuel and he just went with it. its me too.. a lot of it is me, i put so much on him that i knew he wouldnt give to me, and thats my own fault.. its alrite... ill be ok. im sure. hes a shitty guy, but its not all his fault, people let him take advantage of them... hes got this weird way about him. it makes u wanna give him what he wants..hes just that kinda guy. but i dont hate him, i just regret wut happened.thats all.. and nick.. same with him.. hes a bad kid, he uses people too, but people use him a lot too.. what comes around goes around times some.. he get fucked over bad.. and i feel bad about it, i just hope they grow up someday, they need it, and they would be good kids then.. ok.. well its oficially 5:00 ...i think i should go to bed now.. this is insane.. too long of a nite, i miss joelle and i wish we wouldnt have argued. i feel bad. i will say sorry tomrow. goodnite steph Usmcchick7 [2:55 AM]: no. thats people wise, human being wise POWELL7624 [2:56 AM]: yea but their is alot of people out their like that POWELL7624 [2:56 AM]: and all of the pathetic people need to grow up POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: most of them are teens and stupid POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: ? Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: but ur knieve to think they will POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: that they will grow up POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: some of them will Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: but people dont change, and some will.. but most wont ever be anything less then horribel Usmcchick7 [2:57 AM]: horrible POWELL7624 [2:57 AM]: some will be in jail,dead who knos POWELL7624 [2:58 AM]: but you like you said some will change Usmcchick7 [2:58 AM]: but not enought to make a difference.. to give any hope to the future for any of us POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: but yet you still talk to the people who use you and fuck you over Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: we are all on our own... whether we like to face it or not POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: no shit Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: and so do u Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: so wuts the difference? POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: this worlds gonna be shit any ways Usmcchick7 [2:59 AM]: i talk to em cause i am fucked up in my head and i have issues POWELL7624 [2:59 AM]: the world gonna end in the next thirty years POWELL7624 [3:00 AM]: and you dont see any good in them? Usmcchick7 [3:00 AM]: inside me, i need them to care, cause i think i wont feel so fuckin worthless if maybe these asshole who fucked me over and left.. would care Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: but they dont, so i dont feel anything.. Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: i am numb and thats y i wanna be alone and thats why i still put up with it.. Usmcchick7 [3:01 AM]: cause maybe if i put up with it long enough, they will be greatful and love me or soemthing POWELL7624 [3:02 AM]: they dont see you for just those things Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ha.. dustin doesnt?? Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: yea, ur fuckin blind Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: nick doesnt?? POWELL7624 [3:03 AM]: dustin or nick Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ur sad if u dont see it POWELL7624 [3:03 AM]: prolly not Usmcchick7 [3:03 AM]: ahahah POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: yea but theirs other ppl that think your cool as shit cuz you nice Usmcchick7 [3:04 AM]: u live in ur own little fantasy where u wanna think things are peachy with me and thats not all i am, but wake up brad.. POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: and other reasons POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: they arnt Usmcchick7 [3:04 AM]: u.. u think that way. POWELL7624 [3:04 AM]: you just looking at all the fuck up shit POWELL7624 [3:05 AM]: im not living my life where its all hatred and pitty and all that negative shit POWELL7624 [3:05 AM]: i know its their but im not going to let it get to me Usmcchick7 [3:06 AM]: brad, when thats all there is, wut else am i supose to look at?? i cant get high all the time so i can forget it like u do.. all my shit is right smack in my face.. it cant be hidden.. so yea, i do look at the bad shit, caue thats all thats there Usmcchick7 [3:06 AM]: Fuck u, uve got it easy POWELL7624 [3:06 AM]: how Usmcchick7 [3:08 AM]: u dont have to say shit brad.. u just sit there quiet as hell.. and things fall in ur lap POWELL7624 [3:09 AM]: no one can beat me or use me i have on money no girls want to use me cuz im brad dent Usmcchick7 [3:10 AM]: u got friends that care... and yea, those guys care about u.. u got the good side of em all.. but i got the shit end and u dont have money, but u have everything else.. the good shit.. POWELL7624 [3:11 AM]: yea your right Usmcchick7 [3:11 AM]: and wtf fuck.. feel lucky that ur not goin out with some white trash whore from red lion.. there's nothing good here. and as soon as u can, get the hell outta here.. go as far as u can and stay there.. good girls arent from red lion brad.. they are fucked up here.. condiser urself lucky POWELL7624 [3:11 AM]: are you talking about you Usmcchick7 [3:12 AM]: i got the money, and i got the guys wanting to FUCK me.. but i dont have love and i dont have friends that care... i dont have shit, so believe me, u got it easy.. u got it good Usmcchick7 [3:12 AM]: i dont know, i guess maybe i was. POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: shut the fuck up i dont see you as trash i never did POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: and i do care about you i would give my life for yours POWELL7624 [3:12 AM]: my life isnt all that great POWELL7624 [3:13 AM]: my social life isnt the greatest Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: but i am. i am an overreacting burnt out stoner who fuckin needs to do shit with guys to feel needed and worthy and ive got issues out the fuckin ass Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: if that isnt gross.. or trashy, then u tell me wut it Usmcchick7 [3:13 AM]: is* POWELL7624 [3:13 AM]: you are needed either way Usmcchick7 [3:14 AM]: fuck a social life.. who here is worth ur time?? ur a good one brad, ull amount to something Usmcchick7 [3:14 AM]: by who? POWELL7624 [3:14 AM]: by me POWELL7624 [3:14 AM]: tom POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: your family POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: they care about you POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: if you think they dont Usmcchick7 [3:15 AM]: yea, o thats so cool. my best friends are my family.. thats pathetic POWELL7624 [3:15 AM]: your wroung POWELL7624 [3:16 AM]: steph u r needed in this world Usmcchick7 [3:16 AM]: brad u see things the way u wish they were for me u wish i was needed cause u think i should be Usmcchick7 [3:16 AM]: but im not POWELL7624 [3:16 AM]: yea Usmcchick7 [3:17 AM]: seriosly.. open ur eyes Usmcchick7 [3:17 AM]: im just a loser... im not a queen.. POWELL7624 [3:18 AM]: i dont want to see your life all shitty i love you steph i do and you cant think im a dumb ass you can think any thing you want POWELL7624 [3:18 AM]: i wish the best for you i want to give you hope POWELL7624 [3:19 AM]: and a better perspective on life but thats not the way you see it Usmcchick7 [3:19 AM]: but thats not the way it is brad POWELL7624 [3:19 AM]: i kno that Usmcchick7 [3:19 AM]: i dont know why u love me.. i dont know how u could see anything through the shit i am. Usmcchick7 [3:20 AM]: i wish i could see it the way u did tho, it sounds so amazing and i would love to feel that way for even a day POWELL7624 [3:20 AM]: i have seen shitty ppl in my life your not fucking shitty Usmcchick7 [3:20 AM]: well im nothing special.. just another fuck up. POWELL7624 [3:21 AM]: your not a fuck up you can go some where in life you can make it better find new friends that care cuz they are out their Usmcchick7 [3:21 AM]: but its hard to get up when uve been down for so long brad... i dont know if u know that or not, but it is Usmcchick7 [3:22 AM]: i am so sick of tryin for nothing POWELL7624 [3:22 AM]: dont be talking like killing your self its not worth it POWELL7624 [3:23 AM]: learn from all this bull shit kno what to avoid Usmcchick7 [3:23 AM]: i give the best of my heart and soul to asshole like dustin who use them to their advantage or dont even notice anyway... its real fuckin discouraging and it left me with nothing but shit to give... and i know that i will always do that.. always gift the best of be to them.. assholes Usmcchick7 [3:23 AM]: i try, but i cant POWELL7624 [3:24 AM]: so dustin started all of this? Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: .... Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: i was fuckin 13.. thats too young to have sex.. and it fucked me up Usmcchick7 [3:25 AM]: it meant nothing to him and it meant everything to me POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: and you never talked to him POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: that wasnt 3 years ago POWELL7624 [3:25 AM]: was it? Usmcchick7 [3:26 AM]: i tried.. i told him he hurts me by not caring and he would tell me to come up and then he would tell me he cared and try to be sentimental and then we'd have sex and i would leave.. and we wouldnt talk till he wanted some more.. i told him twice.. after the first time.. bout how shitty i felt.. and he used that to get wut he wanted Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: i had sex with him, cause i thought it would make him care.. Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: yea, it was 3 years ago POWELL7624 [3:27 AM]: and you dont want me to say any thing? Usmcchick7 [3:27 AM]: about wut? Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: to him u mean? POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: yea Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: holy shit no. i dont want him to know anything i feel anymore POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: that shit pisses me off Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: he doesnt fucking care Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: n itll just make him feel more incontrol and he will know he can use me more Usmcchick7 [3:28 AM]: and nick used me and dustins situation to get wut he wanted.. POWELL7624 [3:28 AM]: and u will let it happen POWELL7624 [3:29 AM]: ? Usmcchick7 [3:29 AM]: nick said he was sorry for what dustin did to me and that he really cared about me and that dustin just uses people but he loved me.. and i bought it all.. POWELL7624 [3:29 AM]: why dont you get to kno him Usmcchick7 [3:29 AM]: get to know who? POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: nick is an ass like that POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: did you kno nick like you kno me or dustin POWELL7624 [3:30 AM]: holy shit is that what you think im doing? Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: yea, we use to talk last year, he was in my class and shit, and then we hung out a lot after school an shit last year, we were pretty close and i trusted him a good amount and he knew that Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: ...... Usmcchick7 [3:31 AM]: i dont know brad.. POWELL7624 [3:31 AM]: i hope not Usmcchick7 [3:32 AM]: i told u i have so much in me that i dont tell people and i dont know why im tellng u, cause u probably think im so weird and ull probably tell everyone.. but this is why i am the way i am, and y i dont date guys.. and i dated will cause i didnt know him, i didnt think he was like them n i didnt think he knew dustin an all u guys Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: somehow i thought it would be ok, if i was with someone who didnt know anything... cause i could pretend they wouldnt be the sam Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: same Usmcchick7 [3:33 AM]: but all he wanted was sex. and i knew it from the start POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: i kno nick is a dick like that cuz that one night that i got pissed when i was drunk.......He was a telling me that he knows i like you and he wouldnt do anything with u just cuz i liked you and yea thats why i was pissed POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: your telling me cuz u kno me POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: u kno you can trust me and dont think im pulling a nick or dustin Usmcchick7 [3:34 AM]: but i dont know if u are or not POWELL7624 [3:34 AM]: and ive never told any one about any of out convos POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: if im trying to use you for sex Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: see.. no ones ever genuinly cared about me like u say u do. its always been like that, only fake, so i dont know wut to think about u.. POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: yea i think i would kno Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: u would know wut?? POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: ive liked you since the fucking 3rd grade POWELL7624 [3:35 AM]: if i was using you Usmcchick7 [3:35 AM]: i kno... Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: im scared to try and feel anything brad.. Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: u've got to at least understand that... do u?? Usmcchick7 [3:37 AM]: i told u almost everything i feel.. so u must get it POWELL7624 [3:38 AM]: i kno all that shit has messed with you i can see it from your point of view. now that i kno all this i understand and i would be afraid Usmcchick7 [3:38 AM]: .... Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: i dont wanna be , but i just have nothing left to be taken... so i dont know wut i am supose to do Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: i am 16 and already im drained. POWELL7624 [3:39 AM]: i rember in elementry its nothing compared to yours but girls used to be like your hot and they just fucked with me and i was afraid to date untill jr POWELL7624 [3:39 AM]: they made me feel like a pile of shit Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: ....yea Usmcchick7 [3:39 AM]: and it sux POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: but i guess it helped me in the long run POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: mentally Usmcchick7 [3:40 AM]: well the long run has fucked me up mentally. and i have a fuckin major issue with relationships and anything sexual in general POWELL7624 [3:40 AM]: thats why i never could tell a girl i love you i still feel akward but i can say it to you i have no fear Usmcchick7 [3:41 AM]: i know wut u mean.. Usmcchick7 [3:41 AM]: i feel confortable with u too POWELL7624 [3:41 AM]: i do though POWELL7624 [3:42 AM]: like alicia i was in love but it ment nothing to her Usmcchick7 [3:42 AM]: ... yea POWELL7624 [3:43 AM]: shes a fucking slut and i think she just wanted to get laid Usmcchick7 [3:43 AM]: ..thats so pathetic. i hate sex POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: she said she loved me called me 24 7 and always wanted to fuck and i never did untill like 2 or 3 months and i regret it i was a stupid kid Usmcchick7 [3:44 AM]: well i hate wut people make it Usmcchick7 [3:44 AM]: yea, me too POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: yea but u can change it POWELL7624 [3:44 AM]: that fucked with me but i said the hell with it all and i just avoid all that stupid shit POWELL7624 [3:45 AM]: n learnded from it Usmcchick7 [3:46 AM]: and i learn from dustin, but i make the same mistake with anyone who has something sweet to fill my head with..anyone who promises me a better tomrow POWELL7624 [3:47 AM]: thats why im not going to ever settle down untill i kno its right POWELL7624 [3:48 AM]: i hope you can sleep tonight Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: thats why ill never settle down, cause i always mistake the wrong one for soemthing great POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: cuz we are talking about all this shit and its gonna get us thinking when we are trying to sleep Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: im not even gonna try POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: you should Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: im just gonna stay up POWELL7624 [3:49 AM]: just wait Usmcchick7 [3:49 AM]: for wut? POWELL7624 [3:50 AM]: i dont kno Usmcchick7 [3:50 AM]: i wish u wouldve stopped me that nite brad... i wish sarah wouldve....someone. it would have saved me so fucking much.. i wish i would've stopped. POWELL7624 [3:50 AM]: i do to Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: three years changed my whole fuckin life for the worst.. Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: and i know ull say it didnt, but it did POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: i wish he didnt he knew i liked you and i said i didnt care but i did POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: yea it did POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: but you can change it Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: how? POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: you might be scared but you can Usmcchick7 [3:51 AM]: but how brad?? POWELL7624 [3:51 AM]: mentally POWELL7624 [3:52 AM]: i dont kno Usmcchick7 [3:52 AM]: ....i wish u did Usmcchick7 [3:52 AM]: i wish i did...cause i would Usmcchick7 [3:56 AM]: wut are u thinkin now? POWELL7624 [3:57 AM]: its sort of hard to avoid ppl like that you could think you kno them inside and out but they could be a rapest or something but their is better ppl than that. And yea it can take time but it will happen POWELL7624 [3:57 AM]: how to help Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: u do help, by just lettin me say all this stupid shit.. POWELL7624 [3:58 AM]: it does feel better to get it off your chest Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: cause u know them, so u know wut im talkin about.. no one else knows em, so they wouldnt understand Usmcchick7 [3:58 AM]: better but not alrite. POWELL7624 [3:59 AM]: i get shit off mine to to when we talk and it makes me feel better even though i dont feel it no more POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: the past wise Usmcchick7 [4:00 AM]: ..yea POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: i do but i dont feel it like i should POWELL7624 [4:00 AM]: i tend to take shit hard but idk Usmcchick7 [4:00 AM]: yea, well so do i, so dont feel bad Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: ur better POWELL7624 [4:01 AM]: than you? Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: yea Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: at least u can rationalize things POWELL7624 [4:01 AM]: uh i do not comprehend Usmcchick7 [4:01 AM]: i am just sitting here wantng to shove scissors through my wrists POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: i wish you would stop putting yourself dow POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: dont POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: please Usmcchick7 [4:02 AM]: u can make sense of shit and make them seem better.. and i just wanna die all the times POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: ive already have had one friend do it and im not gonna be abel to deal with it POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: and i dont POWELL7624 [4:02 AM]: bull Usmcchick7 [4:03 AM]: u dont tell me, sept once POWELL7624 [4:03 AM]: i look at my dad and see me in 30 years diseased wanting to die every waking minuit of my life POWELL7624 [4:03 AM]: i almost killed my self at chrisis viewing POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: i almost jumped in front of a fucking tractor trailor Usmcchick7 [4:04 AM]: i almost killed myself there.. and everyday after that until this summer POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: yea i kno POWELL7624 [4:04 AM]: dont talk about it Usmcchick7 [4:04 AM]: i had to go on these crazy depression pills that knock u out.. POWELL7624 [4:05 AM]: please Usmcchick7 [4:05 AM]: just so i wouldnt slit my wrists POWELL7624 [4:05 AM]: i wont be abel to handel it Usmcchick7 [4:05 AM]: so dont tell me brad, cause i know.. POWELL7624 [4:06 AM]: steph im startin to freak out dont talk about it dont do it please dont Usmcchick7 [4:06 AM]: but i cant either and i always have to deal with it.. cause i cant stop thinkin all the time.. bout shit like this POWELL7624 [4:07 AM]: i hope that means that your not gonna do it Usmcchick7 [4:07 AM]: i just dont wanna hear it anymore.. i dont want to think it anymore. i dont want to see it when i sleep or when i close my eyes.. i dont wanna cry everynite and i dont wanna feel so god damn lonely.... but i dont know how not to.. its who i am.. an i dont know wut i am supose to do Usmcchick7 [4:08 AM]: i cant think of anything.. Usmcchick7 [4:08 AM]: and its not that i dont try POWELL7624 [4:08 AM]: if you found love do you think you would be lonly Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: yes. Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: cause love means nothing to me Usmcchick7 [4:09 AM]: its not real to me.. just a fantasy POWELL7624 [4:09 AM]: no it isnt POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: its their and its real so it cant be fantasy Usmcchick7 [4:10 AM]: a dream ive always chased, but always turned out to be a nightmare POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: you just see it that way cuz of all that bull shit Usmcchick7 [4:10 AM]: well wut else am i supose to think POWELL7624 [4:10 AM]: that its real POWELL7624 [4:11 AM]: if you could only trust it Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: ha. trust is for fools.. Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: for people like u se to be Usmcchick7 [4:11 AM]: use POWELL7624 [4:12 AM]: yea but you have to have faith in it POWELL7624 [4:12 AM]: i could never screw you like they did Usmcchick7 [4:12 AM]: but u wuld. POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: no i wouldnt POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: what u think i would use u like they did POWELL7624 [4:13 AM]: i dont look at any girl the way i see you Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: but i dont know why.. Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: im just like everyone of those idiot Usmcchick7 [4:14 AM]: idiots POWELL7624 [4:14 AM]: the way i look at you the way i feel about you POWELL7624 [4:14 AM]: what i feel is deep down Usmcchick7 [4:15 AM]: i wish u would see me for wut i am.. im not perfect POWELL7624 [4:15 AM]: i wouldnt even think about being with another girl if we were datin POWELL7624 [4:15 AM]: u arnt perfect i kno POWELL7624 [4:16 AM]: we can talk about anything Usmcchick7 [4:16 AM]: i dont know what i am gonna do. POWELL7624 [4:17 AM]: just dont take the easy way out dont kill your self Usmcchick7 [4:17 AM]: easy my ass Usmcchick7 [4:17 AM]: its hard to wanna end ur life POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: yea but than you dont have to deal with all the bull shit POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: steph dont im begging you Usmcchick7 [4:18 AM]: im not.. not here, not right now POWELL7624 [4:18 AM]: never Usmcchick7 [4:19 AM]: idk, lets not talk about dying right now POWELL7624 [4:20 AM]: if you could only see that i love you for you and that im not setting up this plot to fuck you over i cant POWELL7624 [4:20 AM]: this prolly seems like a trap but it isnt Usmcchick7 [4:21 AM]: i trust u, im just still so... idk.. not ready to feel anything POWELL7624 [4:21 AM]: your afraid Usmcchick7 [4:21 AM]: i know POWELL7624 [4:22 AM]: stop and realize im here and always will be Usmcchick7 [4:22 AM]: i want to.. POWELL7624 [4:23 AM]: i want to say just fuck it but its to hard to do that Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: fuck wut?? Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: fuck liking me?? POWELL7624 [4:24 AM]: yea i didnt clarfy that POWELL7624 [4:24 AM]: no Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: ... Usmcchick7 [4:24 AM]: thats wut u meant?? POWELL7624 [4:25 AM]: fuck being afrad and jsut say screw it but thats hard Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: yea i know Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: it realy is POWELL7624 [4:25 AM]: thats twards you and its not about death Usmcchick7 [4:25 AM]: i know.. Usmcchick7 [4:26 AM]: brad, i love you Usmcchick7 [4:27 AM]: i really do POWELL7624 [4:27 AM]: i love you to POWELL7624 [4:27 AM]: thanks POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: do you kno its 425? Usmcchick7 [4:28 AM]: ....its late. POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: yea Usmcchick7 [4:28 AM]: are u tired yet?? POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: weve been talking forever POWELL7624 [4:28 AM]: no Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: yea we have Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: ive been on since 1030 POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: not after i hyperventalated Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: why?? POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: why i stared freaking out cuz i though u were gonna cut your wrists POWELL7624 [4:29 AM]: i told you i cant handle it Usmcchick7 [4:29 AM]: i dont ever cut deep POWELL7624 [4:30 AM]: dont cut at all Usmcchick7 [4:30 AM]: i know.. POWELL7624 [4:30 AM]: my life will go to shit if you die and if im still around Usmcchick7 [4:31 AM]: why?? POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: depressing POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: loosing a big part of my life Usmcchick7 [4:31 AM]: u make me feel really.. something.. idk, just nice POWELL7624 [4:31 AM]: if i dont kill my self ill die mentally POWELL7624 [4:32 AM]: i wont care about any thing Usmcchick7 [4:32 AM]: i wish u wouldnt say that Usmcchick7 [4:32 AM]: y not?? u have everythin else.. POWELL7624 [4:32 AM]: i do but your a big part of it Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: i wish u wouldnt say that Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: i want more for u Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: ur worth so much more POWELL7624 [4:33 AM]: i was never really happy untill we started talking POWELL7624 [4:33 AM]: why cuz i want the best of things Usmcchick7 [4:33 AM]: the best?? Usmcchick7 [4:34 AM]: thats not me POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: i want the best of things for you POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: i always look at the better side of things Usmcchick7 [4:34 AM]: yea, u do POWELL7624 [4:34 AM]: and try to make it better even if i cant POWELL7624 [4:35 AM]: your better than love Usmcchick7 [4:36 AM]: wut do u mean?? POWELL7624 [4:36 AM]: i dont see you as a nobody i see you as something good and great like heaven on earth Usmcchick7 [4:37 AM]: ...and i see u as jesus christ himself.. ur like.. idk brad.. ur something real good.. Usmcchick7 [4:37 AM]: u have this way about u.. POWELL7624 [4:37 AM]: you have the potentall to go somewhere in life you have the wisdom your extremly intellgent POWELL7624 [4:38 AM]: you have coped with so much shit Usmcchick7 [4:38 AM]: thank you.. but u should come with me, if im worth that, ur worth that an more.. so we can go as far together as we can.. ok?? POWELL7624 [4:39 AM]: you may not realize it but all this is making you stronger Usmcchick7 [4:40 AM]: cause uve got so much inside u, and u let it out slowly, but when u do let it out.. its.. amazing.. ur just a real awesome guy Usmcchick7 [4:39 AM]: i know, its just hard to see that thru the way i feel... Usmcchick7 [4:39 AM]: u surprise me brad... POWELL7624 [4:39 AM]: why? Usmcchick7 [4:40 AM]: cause uve got so much inside u, and u let it out slowly, but when u do let it out.. its.. amazing.. ur just a real awesome guy (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
9:15 pm	happy new years well.. where to start. i guess its only been three days.. but a lot has happened. aunt Karol's was really cool.. she has this big bloodhound named dixie doodle. and she is pregnant.. and all she does is lay around on the ground and drool. i loved pettin her big fat belly.. she was so cute!! and she had a rooster that loved to be held and petted and he was so huge!! he was really cool too.. and these two really cute kitties who loved to snuggle with me.. i wanted to take em home! but o man.. the best part was her four horses!! they were so beautiful and i got to ride them everyday and i loved it.. today i went out and we were out for like 3 hours!! it was so awesome. i want a horse and mom said i could get one if i could pay for the boarding and stuff.. i wanna so bad, but i dont have that kinda money yet.. i will sometime! but yea, there were a million little kids around and they all love me for some reason and wanted to hug me and kiss me and always be all over me and on my back an stuff.. and i like it, but i got tired of carrying everyone around! it was alrite tho. i liked the attention, cause no one really has payed a large amount of anything to me lately.. i guess its ok tho. last nite was new years eve.. and it was the most depressing new years ever..we set off some fireworks and that was pretty cool, i got burnt. but o man. we just sat around and everyone went to be before 12 except a few of us, like aunt karol me mom dad and uncle howard.. but we just watched the ball drop and then they all went right to bed. i did get to kiss anyone or talk to or be happy and jofull with, it was terrible. i fell asleep at like 2 after. i couldnt take it anymore... i hope that wasnt a glimpse of wut this year will be like.. lonely and sad. but i think that each year is all that u make it.. or as little as u make it. i wanna make mine amazing and be a good person.. i really do.i wanna not think about dustin ever, in the way i do somtimes. i wanna stop hating so many people, cause we all have problems.. i wanna get along with tif and my parents.. i wanna save a lot of money, and do some cool things when i get my liscence.. i wanna learn to love people.. and be a better friend and stop being so damn lazy.. and get a better job that makes me happier.. i wanna quit bein so sad and i wanna help people and feel gorgeous even when i dont look it.. i wanna be me and thats all.. i was just talkin to dustin, well actually not talkin to him.. i said hey how was tennessee, cause he went there for xmas, and he was like "fuck off" and i dont even know why. it wasnt cool.. but o well i guess.. i dont know wut i did.. and really im not sure i care. i will always love him, i really will.. he never loved me and i know that, but i was the doof that still gave him what he wanted knowing that.. i wanted him to love me so bad. i lied to myself and it hurt me so bad.. i wanna stop lyin too.. thats another thing for this year. but yea, i think that im gonna put the whole dustin thing in the past and put all those feelings in the past.. and just go on and learn from it. i know i wont be able to ever forget it.. but it will just be another experience i can grow from.. its gonna be ok. i am gonna be ok this time around.. i can feel it. i miss joelle.. i called her last nite, but no one would let me call her back, cause they were all asleep.. so i couldnt get their phones. i love it here.. but i miss red lion. i missed it a lot last nite.. even tho the square is so dumb on new years... i love it! its tradition for me.. and there is always someone to kiss.. and love and always a happy thought to bring the new year in with, i brought in this one wishin i was there.. next year tho! joelle took so many pills today she said... shes really sick now! i feel so bad an i wish she could be ok, without will.. and i wish she would be able to be happy with out bein bad and i wish she would just let things go, with him.. hes not worth it, really. but i guess i went thru it all too.. it took me a million years.. well just 2, but still thats too much time to care so much. its a waste of youth.. that can never be a good thing.. youth is so freakin important.. i think that people try so hard to be all grown up, but they should be really focussing on bein a kid, for as long as possible.. i dont know why everyone tries to make everything so complicated and stupid, when it could be so fun and simple.. i wanna be simple this year.. man, i want a lot this year. but i really do wanna try it all. holy poo..i got the best bob marley calender!! woo hoo! its so awesome and hes so gorgeous! man o man.. well holy cow, i better get off.. its 10.. and i wanna get on at 11 to talk to joelle.. grams gonna be weird and say i am on all the time.. but its the closest i can be to friends.. well.. friend..lol joelle, i love u! peace steph (Comment on this)
Monday, December 29th, 2003
4:57 pm	if i could kill two people.. man. so i called will last nite, cause he asked me to, and it was weird, we were talkin alrite and everything.. and idk.. i just dont like him. hes doesnt really give a damn about anyone.. i wish he would just dissapear and be gone forever.. and i wish joelle could forget about him. im more then certain everyone else would be able to on the drop of a dime!!! he uses people so badly. and everyone knows it. but another person that i am absolutely furious with.. and would probably castrate if i was given the chance... is that fat phuck, mitch.. god.. i would kill him in a heart beat! he was tryin to force joelle to kiss him and get ontop of him an everything last nite, an thats just plain shit. i tell u wut, it really pisses me off!!! OK, i wanna stop bein angry now... today was a good day. we went to some thrift shops this mornin.. and i found an old michael jackson thriller record, and some old monkey's ones too.. so that was pretty cool. i also got these real cool head scarves.. i like em a lot. After that, we went to the beach and i fell asleep and we stayed there all day.. then i woke up and surfed and then i came home.. and we're gonna go to the mall tonite. im pretty excited about that. i wanna see some young people.. i havent seen anyone under the age of 35 since i came.. well thats a lie. i saw those hottie hot surfers. but they were it... i like it here tho. i really do. i am kinda annoyed at how mean gram is to me, but i dont care. she cant ruin it for me... and they are all gettin drunk again.. but pop made me a bloody mary.. virgin of course. ha. its all spicy and good.. so i dont care that they are gettin trashed... again. so yea, its been a good day. i hope that i can talk to joelle tonite, i miss her, and i feel like she like hates me or something. she wrote how she wished that everyone would leave her alone... EVERYONE.. and i supose thats me. and idk, i just wish she wouldnt be mad or hate me or wutever she is doin right now... i got sunburnt today.. it stinks. but its not that bad, so o well i supose ill live. I wish that people would like read my journal and wanna talk or something, no one is ever on and i get bored.. eh,too bad, im gonna go find some people.. ill write later steph (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2003
8:23 pm	wow. i actually really enjoyed shuffle board. pop didnt wanna go, so i was on a team.. and it was a lotta fun. we played for like 2 hours and then we came home and ate hot dogs.. lol i dont much like hot dogs. speaking of dogs.. frank is gettin worse tif says. mom thinks were gonna have to get him put to sleep... that would be so terrible. i am so mean to him sometimes, but i do love him to death.. i would be so sad if we hadda put him down.. good god, john nailor, got into an accident yesterday mornin and is now paralyzed from the neck down. thats so sad. hes so gorgeous.. he was realy cocky, but still, i feel bad for him. i wish people would think sometimes.. he was drunk. stupid asses, i swear. drinking is so feckin dumb. im real tired right now. that water kick the shit outta me. but its only 830 and i told joelle i would be on tonite.. so yea. im waiting for her i guess. will wanted her to sneak out tonite, i hope she doesnt.. i dont like how he treats her. She cant help but give in, and he takes advantage of that. hes a real dick sometimes.. a lotta times. i love him, i do, but i dont think hes a good person. i dont think there is anything in him that is worth her time. really.. shes wayyyyy too good for him. i wish we had more french men in pa.. so she could get one of em and kno that will is a dipshit. well im gonna go look around and talk to other people cause i dont know wut else to write, ill most likely write again later.. love you steph (Comment on this)